To Rival the Sun
by motleygrrrl
Summary: Ever since becoming a werewolf at the age of four, Remus Lupin has felt unusual, awkward, and out of place—until the day Sirius Black spoke to him and changed everything. Get ready for some gay teenage werewolf angst!
1. I

A/N: So this story is officially my first non-Drarry ever. Yaay! What a big moment for me :) I do hope you like it, considering the idea wouldn't leave me alone until I finally gave in and started writing it. Remus Lupin is without a doubt my all-time favorite character in the Harry Potter series. He's just too lovely for words.

Aaanyway back on topic...

The story you are about to read is a sixth-year Marauders fic, full of dark secrets, intense longing, genuine remorse, and, to make it complete, betrayal, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings. Are we sensing all the possible and extremely delicious drama yet?

Now for a few warnings and just a bit of caps lock...

WARNING: This story contains all sorts of yummy slash with all kinds of graphic depictions of homosexuality. Don't blame me, I'm only here to give the people what they want.

This story features a shy pining Lupin, as well a flirtatious, rather clueless Sirius. It also includes an adolescent Peter Pettigrew. Just thought I would warn you for fun. *shrugs*

There will also be a rather generous helping of teenage angst, both the insecure werewolf kind—of which there will be aplenty—and the dramatic regular variety.

There is also a genuine warning about the excessive fucking use of obscenities, the cornerstone of both my stories and myself as an individual. I have been told by more than one person that I am quite the profane young lady, to which I always respond with several choice four-letter words—so just a mutha fuckin' heads up for you, lovelies.

But, enough about my crass and immoral style of speaking by using far more fucking expletives than can actually be deemed absolutely fucking necessary! Onto the real reason we're all here, which is the teenage angst and werewolf smut!

But before I begin, look! An Oscar Wilde quote!

— **"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our own personal hell."**

And now that Oscar Wilde has been quoted, I do believe the angst is off to a lovely start and we are officially ready to begin…

* * *

 **TO RIVAL THE SUN**

 **I**

Remus Lupin had always felt different.

The statement seemed so redundant passing through his mind—of _course_ he was different; he had _always_ been different, maybe even before that life-altering night when Fenrir Greyback had forced his way through Remus's window as the tiny boy slept, only to awaken in screaming pain and soaked in sticky blood as he looked into the most terrifying set of eyes he had ever seen, looming above him and staring into his own with a fierce hunger, the petrifying stare accompanied by the most horrifying hair-raising snarl, the sound echoing through his nightmares for years after and even occasionally still sneaking into the Gryffindor sixth-year boys' dorm to find him asleep and defenseless.

The werewolf growling over him seemed to take perverse pleasure in the whimpering fear drowning the child into a frightened paralysis before him, freezing the boy into place where he lay bleeding and sobbing and trapped beneath the heavy creature until either the pain or the fear had rendered him unconscious, keeping his mind safe beneath a heavy onyx blanket of unawareness.

Unaware, at least, until he woke to the sound of hushed whispering somewhere nearby, low and agitated. Cracking open his eyes, the first thing he had seen was the tear-stained face of his mother, gazing down at him with such sorrow and a horrified sort of hysteria that told him instantly that the worst was not yet over.

And he had been far too correct.

After that had begun his monthly "episodes", as his mother called it; the dreaded cycle of mercilessly full moons, his life set to follow the predictable and rigidly calculated schedule of the torturous—and never-ending—lunar calendar, the one that controlled his every waking moment.

And in-between full moons was the endless parade of Healers he was taken to see, standing stiffly and staring off into the distance as they poked and prodded at him, whispered spells and shoved potions down his throat that they did not even bother to explain, his parents standing off to the side giving silent consent to every test, listening with desperate hope to every suggestion. Everyone around Remus discussed the boy right in front of him as if he was not even in the room, and they never bothered to look directly at him when asking a question.

That was when he knew people were now uncomfortable being around him.

His "condition", as his mother referred to it as, had always kept him isolated from everyone else, separated from the entire world behind thick walls of glass constructed of his own caution and hardened by a gradual self-loathing that grew every time his mother flinched at the sight of him, or looked with sorrowful eyes at the slow navy-blue creep of the encroaching darkness gradually blanketing the horizon and cried as the moon rose.

And since the first transformation, the sight of the full moon had always been a source of such fear and dread, just the sight sometimes enough to send him into a panic at the knowledge of what was about to occur, the absolute _pain_ involved in transforming, not to mention the pain he inflicted on himself whilst in wolf-form.

And then, when he entered adolescence, to find out that his being bitten had been planned and premeditated as payment for the costly grudge Greyback held against Remus's father for supposed offenses made, well, it hardly served to make him feel better about anything. At least before, he hadn't truly hated the creature that had robbed him of his future, his humanity; he had always felt pity for the wolf's loss of self in that moment.

Until the pity had been stripped away and all he felt was hatred for the monster that had purposefully ruined his life. Greyback had certainly succeeded in getting his revenge against the family, all right. The attack had affected every aspect of the entire Lupin household—every facet of Remus's life, starting at the age of four.

It had cost him so much.

It had kept him so lonely.

After all, who would want to be friends with a werewolf? Who would want to be anywhere near a werewolf? Who would ever want to _kiss_ a werewolf?

So yes, Remus Lupin had always been different.

And then the day came when Dumbledore himself arrived on Remus's doorstep, all but inviting himself across the threshold with a smile and insisting that Remus would still be able to attend Hogwarts, stunning him into disbelief and sending his mother into a panic at the thought of him boarding so far away and sharing a dorm with other children.

And even while an excitement so fierce it was almost painful began to spread through him at the thought of attending school with others his own age and maybe possibly even making friends, there had been a nasty voice at the back of his mind whispering venomously that it would never work, he was a freak, a monster; he would hurt somebody, maybe even kill someone.

After all, that was what werewolves did. He was _dangerous_ —to himself, to those around him, to the ones he cared about. He had seen both of his parents eye him at times with fear, had noticed the way they would sometimes fall silent in his presence as if unsure of what to say to someone who was no longer as human as he had once been, as they still were—as he was reminded of every single day.

He was far too aware of what he was.

But then, he had arrived at Hogwarts. He had gazed around in wonder, feeling lost and insignificant amidst the grandeur and sheer enormity of the castle. Maybe at school, in the large crowd, he could lose himself as just another anonymous face amongst the masses—not a werewolf, not cursed or diseased, but just another student. Maybe for once in his life, he could be normal.

It didn't take long, however, to realize that even when trying to blend in with the other students, Remus did not fit in. He was extremely shy and nervous around others, always keeping his gaze lowered and drawing as little attention to himself as possible. He was pale and thin and wispy, and when he spoke, it was always in a soft voice, eyes usually settled on anything other than the person he was speaking to.

After the first week, he was resigned to his slot as the strange Gryffindor loner; face normally buried in a book in yet another attempt to hide from his surroundings.

Until the day Sirius Black spoke to him and changed everything.

oOo

Sighing heavily, Sirius tossed the hair from his eyes in a practiced move, one he had dedicated much of his time to perfecting in mirrors until it was just the right combination of casual aloof indifference. He had it on good authority that the move was—if he did agree so himself—irresistible and even now had caught the attention of more than one witch seated in the packed Gryffindor Common Room.

"Stop bloody showing off, Padfoot," James cut in, drawing Sirius's gaze from where it was swinging around the room noting with satisfied curiosity just how many girls had been glancing his way. "Just finish your assignment already so we can finally leave and do something _actually_ worthwhile, like playing night Quidditch or learning how to hex every bar of soap within a one-kilometer radius of Snivellus to attack him and attempt to wash the grease from the git."

Peter snorted loudly at the words, earning a good-natured grin from James.

"I've had the idea for a while," he confessed enthusiastically. "I found a spell that might help us get started, but I'm not quite sure yet how to—"

"Where's Moony?" Sirius interrupted, peering around for a hint of the familiar golden-brown curls. Remus had said he would be meeting up with them in the Common Room nearly twenty minutes ago. Where was he? Maybe it was his absence that was making Sirius feel so off; he felt restless and jumpy. His palms itched and he fought the urge to scratch at them.

"I dunno," James answered with a shrug. "Probably caught a naughty Slytherin doing something deplorable in the corridors and is hopefully abusing his power as a prefect right now by assigning an outrageous amount of detention for the prat."

"Sure," Sirius grinned as he tried to imagine a world in which Remus Lupin was capable of being corrupted by power. "The day he finally gives in to our constant pressuring to abuse his badge and use it to torment Slytherins is the day I skip naked up and down the dungeon corridors, singing the fucking school song."

"Well, maybe next time we pressure him you could try offering him that deal instead," James said lightly, returning his attention back to the parchment spread before him.

Frowning, Sirius also directed his gaze back to the table. He wasn't sure why, he knew James had only been kidding, but the thought of offering Remus any sort of deal that ended in Sirius being naked was…strange. Was strange the word he was looking for? He wasn't quite sure how to describe the feeling that the simultaneous thought of Remus Lupin and his own nudity caused within him.

Shaking his head, he frowned harder. Why in the hell was he thinking about his own naked bollocks and his best mate in the same sentence? And—he grimaced slightly—why was this not the first time he had caught his mind following similar trails of thought?

Remus had returned from the summer holidays different. Or not really different, so much, but changed. He was still just as shockingly thin as he had always been, but he had grown even taller in the short months they had been separated. His voice had also lowered to a pleasant timbre, which, when spoken in his usual soft calm murmur, did strange things to Sirius's pulse. His hair was just the slightest bit longer than it had been the previous term, golden-brown curls tumbling thick and soft to cover his pale forehead and nearly hide his green eyes. It had an oddly disarming effect on Sirius.

There were other things as well, subtle things that Sirius could not actually specify. Little things, like a difference in how Moony now held his quill, or how his mouth would sometimes randomly stretch just the tiniest bit into the small mysterious smile that Sirius had yet to know the source of. But he wanted to, surprising himself with just how badly that statement was true. He wanted to know what Remus was smiling about so secretly, and fought the vain flutter that surged within him at the hope that maybe the smile was about _him_.

"Moony!" James's exclamation caused Sirius's head to automatically snap up and focus on the wizard crossing the room toward them, and as he neared, Sirius found himself unable to look away. Remus was wearing well-worn jeans with scruffy tears in the knees that hung low on his slim hips, showing just the barest hint of navy pants. His grey-striped shirt was too small and too tight, revealing a thin sliver of the alabaster flesh of his pale torso above the dark blue waistband of his boxers. Slung over the t-shirt that Sirius was suspecting the teen had owned since at least fourth year was a heavy-looking olive green coat with numerous buttons and multiple pockets that made Sirius long to see if he could slip things inside without the other boy noticing.

Crossing the room swiftly, Moony dropped into the open seat next to Peter, who was seated across from Sirius. "Sorry," Remus apologized as he began to pull texts from his bookbag, but he paused to glance up at them and grin. "My rounds took longer than I thought they would. Guess who I just caught snogging Camellia Meadows in the doorway of a classroom on the third floor?"

"Well," James wrinkled his nose in thought, "it can't have been Sirius, since he's been with me this whole time. And it can't have been Peter, since it involves a real-life female girl. And it can't have been Snivellus, since he's an asexual oily eunuch, and it can't have been me, since I have no memory of the encounter, nor willingness on my part if it involves Camellia Meadows. And it can't have been you, judging by the context of your question and the fact that you used the word _snogging._ So!" he clapped his hands together loudly. "My brilliant conclusion and final deductions are…! I have no fucking idea, mate."

Remus looked as if he wanted to say something to argue the comment James had made about the reasons behind his lack of suspicion that it was Remus who had been found getting off with a Ravenclaw female in a corridor on the third floor, but he shrugged it off and shook his head in wry amusement. "I think it's safe to say I didn't mean it was any of us, Prongs," he said sarcastically. "Especially since this particular someone has already been assigned detention with Slughorn nearly every night for the next two weeks." His eyes flicked to Sirius and he smiled that infuriatingly lovely tiny smile. "Do you think Walmsley will be upset with Regulus for having to miss so much Quidditch practice?"

Shocked laughter burst from Sirius's throat and he grinned widely at the smiling boy. "Why, Remus Lupin, did you abuse your prefect authority to assign my horrid younger brother detention just for me?"

A soft blush crept across Moony's ivory cheekbones. "Maybe," he said shyly, staring Sirius full in the eye for the briefest of seconds before looking away. "I thought you lot would get a laugh out of it, at least."

"Oh, and we do!" James insisted with amusement as he turned his gaze to Sirius. "Padfoot was actually saying something quite interesting right before you arrived about what he would be willing to do if you ever abused your power as a prefect to torment Slytherins…what was it again, Sirius?"

"Oh, fuck off, Potter," Sirius chuckled. "I was _joking_ , I never actually agreed to anything."

"So what was it you were willing to trade for my corruption?" Moony asked with a smirk.

"Yes, let's let Moony decide if he wants to hold you to it," James suggested.

"Yes, Padfoot, let's let Moony decide," Remus's smirk deepened.

Sighing dramatically, Sirius flicked the black hair from his eyes and rested his elbows on the table. "I might have made an innocent comment—one not to be taken seriously, of course—that if the day ever came where you chose to give in to the seductive lure of power and place priority in House pride over that of your despairingly high morals, I would agree to skip up and down the dungeon corridors whilst singing the school song completely naked." As he spoke, he stared Remus directly in the eye, watching in curiosity as the other boy flushed a deep red and stared down at his hands before letting out a surprised laugh.

"Well," he began, "as much as I'm sure you would delight in prancing about naked for the viewing pleasures of all the Slytherins down in the freezing dungeons, I'm not going to make everyone who would witness it suffer by actually holding you to it."

Raising one eyebrow, Sirius adopted a sly look. "Your fucking loss, mate."

"Yeah," James added, "Nobody heard Hazel Dedrick complaining, did they?"

Another blush spilled across Moony's cheeks as he turned his head away and shrugged.

"Or Kendra Howse," Peter added with a fawning air of respect toward Sirius.

"Or Piper Robbins."

"Or—"

"Enough!" Sirius interrupted with a quick glance at Remus. He was fidgeting in his chair and looking distinctly uncomfortable as he stared away from them all. "God, could you two make me sound like any more of a slag?"

"Yeah, you're right," Prongs began sarcastically. " _We're_ the reason you sound like a slag."

"Yeah, you're right," Peter echoed, attempting to adopt the same playful sarcasm. "We're the reason you've shagged loads of birds."

"Not all of those were even proper shags," Sirius countered uneasily. He felt awkward talking about the girls he had been with, which was definitely strange. He had never been shy about sharing the details of his experiences with the three of them in the past—what had changed?

"You might be a bit of a slag, Padfoot, sorry to tell you," Remus's soft voice cut through the unsettled air surrounding the four of them.

His tone was teasing, but for some reason, the casually spoken words seemed to pierce into Sirius like a Severing Charm. It hurt in a way he had not been expecting and was not sure how to interpret. His eyes narrowed as he felt the urge to lash out from the stinging ache caused by the other boy's words. "Better a slag than being some sad pathetic sixth-year _virgin_. Better to be getting too much sex as opposed to no sex at all."

Remus's eyes widened as a hurt look flashed across his face before his head was lowered to stare down at his lap and his curls had fallen to hang like a thick sheet to cover any sign of his hidden expression. A tense silence wound itself around the table. Sirius refused to break it, instead choosing to stare resolutely at the notes he had been attempting to focus on before Remus had arrived.

"Erm, well," James began hesitantly, glancing between the two of them in confusion.

Keeping his eyes fixed firmly on the table, Sirius fought to hide his own confusion. Why had he gotten so angry? He never snapped at Remus. In fact, if he ever heard anyone speak to Remus the way Sirius had just spoken to him, he would hex the prat without hesitation. Shame and regret flooded through him, and Sirius risked a glance up at Moony, who was staring down at a book spread open before him and fiddling with the tattered corner of a page.

"I'm sorry," Sirius blurted suddenly, hating the injured way Remus had curled in on himself, withdrawn into himself so easily, retreated once more into the shell he wore around himself like a shield, one he was far too fond of crawling into. "I didn't mean anything by it, Moons, I'm sorry."

"S'okay," Remus mumbled, gaze still fixed on the book and face still lowered from view.

Rising from his seat, Sirius circled around the table to the curly-haired boy and shoved the book away from him along the entire length of the wooden surface, watching in satisfaction as it fell over the edge. Ignoring Moony's startled cry, he settled his body into the place where both the book and Remus's attention had so recently been.

Bending low, he settled both palms against Moony's sharp cheekbones, forcing him to look Sirius in the eye. "I'm sorry, Remus," he repeated quietly, demeanor oddly sober for once. He gazed at the other boy evenly, directly into the lovely green eyes that were a particular shade of green that Sirius was quite sure he had never seen in another person before.

They were certainly different from the shade of green that Evan's eyes were, something James was constantly going on about. The green of her eyes was emerald and sharp, brilliant and sparkling but maybe just a bit too bright. Remus's eyes were a much prettier jade green, deep and warm, with gold flakes scattered in a coppery halo around each pupil.

With a start, Sirius realized just how closely he was leaning toward the startled teen, their faces much nearer together than he had even been aware. He was still holding Moony's cheekbones between gentle hands, and he suddenly realized the intimacy of his actions. He and Remus had always been physically affectionate friends—Sirius initiating most of it, of course, considering Remus's reticent nature—but it had never truly felt _intimate._ Not like it did then, as he cupped Remus's smooth jaw and stared down into shy eyes.

"Do you accept my apology?" he asked playfully, releasing his hold on the other boy and straightening in his seated position on the Common Room table. "Am I forgiven for my moment of idiotic pratishness?"

Moony stared at him in silence for a long moment before allowing the smallest of smiles to twist his face into a pleasant expression. "I suppose," he allowed in a soft voice.

"Brilliant!" Sirius beamed and, without thought, leaned down to press a kiss to the cascading curtain of curls hiding Remus's forehead from sight. As his lips touched the other boy's apple-scented hair, he heard a sharp inhalation of breath. "I can always count on you to overlook my flaws and rash stupidities," he murmured against the thick veil of curls.

"So far," Moony murmured lightly, but Sirius could swear he felt a tremor pass through the other boy.

Shifting away, Sirius leaned back to rest his palms on the table behind him. "I'll try not to push it, then," he said cheerfully, attempting to hide the regret he felt at moving away from the warmth of Remus's body.

"Yeah," James spoke up behind Sirius, "Don't wanna end up in detention like Regulus now, do we? Got to be careful now that we know for a fact how much Moony is out there abusing his power as a prefect."

"Moony would never throw me in detention!" Sirius cried in mock outrage. "He loves me far too much to force any sort of rules or discipline upon me."

Folding his arms, Remus's upper lip twitched as he fought to keep a straight face.

"You all know my upbringing," Sirius explained in a patient voice. "I wasn't raised to respect authority or the concept of rules. I was raised to be just as selfish and entitled as the rest of my mad frigid ancestors. I'm just following natural instincts instilled in me since birth."

Giving in to his grin, Remus shook his head in amusement. "You do realize that you're not going to be able to charm your way out of every situation, don't you?"

Returning the grin with a dazzling smile of his own, Sirius responded, "Well, I suppose I'll just have to rely on my good looks, then, won't I?"

The same delicate pink as earlier pooled across Moony's cheeks as his gaze flicked away. "You can try, I s'pose," was the only reply.

"Oh, come off it," Sirius scoffed playfully, nudging Remus's thigh with his foot. "You're helpless against my stunning good looks, admit it. You've fallen hopelessly into the ensnaring trap that is my handsome features. It's why I can get away with being such a prick and you still forgive me."

"You're hardly irresistible, Padfoot," Remus rolled his eyes as a light blush spread across his cheeks. "Somehow, I've already managed to resist you for five whole years."

"Oh dear," Sirius frowned worriedly as his features turned sympathetic, "You poor thing, pining after me for five long years without ever gaining the courage to act on it."

Behind him, he could hear James sniggering. "Merlin, be _more_ conceited, Pads, would you?"

Turning his head just enough to smirk at James over his shoulder, Sirius raised an eyebrow. "I'll be sure to pass the same advice along to you the next time you come within thirty feet of Evans, mate."

James grinned. "I'll wear her down, just you wait."

"That'll be a romantic story to tell your firstborn," said Sirius dryly. "Can you imagine in ten years' time, little James Jr with his little glasses and Evan's _impossibly green_ —" his tone became mocking—"eyes asking how the two of you met and fell in love, and you respond by telling him 'I wore her down by persistently annoying her until she no longer had the will or patience to resist me.'" He gave James an amused look. "Essentially what you're saying," he continued, "is that you want to achieve a date with this girl by more or less first breaking her spirit enough to where she is finally able to tolerate your company?"

"If that's what it takes for her to finally admit to us both that she's crazy for me, then sure," James laughed.

"Yeah, definitely sounds like inevitable marital bliss to me," responded Sirius sarcastically.

"Oi, just cos you look at and avoid monogamy the same way Snivellus does with baths, doesn't mean that the rest of us aren't capable of commitment," James retorted with a heavy eye roll.

Sirius let out an indignant squawk. "I do not avoid commitment! I can commit—I _do_ commit! I have definitely been known to commit! I'm famous for it, actually; it's one of my better qualities."

With a grin, James shook his head. "You have never romantically committed yourself to a single person in your entire life."

"That's not true…" Sirius began to protest, but as his brain began attempting to come up with solid arguments and clear examples of just how wrong James was, he could not think of a single defense for the statement. It was true—he had never had a girlfriend, had never involved himself in anything even remotely serious, and despite the number of girls he had been with, he had never actually even been on a real date.

Was there something wrong with him? Or had he just not found anyone who held his interest enough?

"Face it," James continued, "You, Sirius Black, are completely incapable of being in a relationship."

oOo

Remus Lupin had not originally been a shy child. Before the attack, he had been cheerful and bright, always smiling and giggling at one thing or another. He had been playful and curious, excited for new things and eager to see the world around him.

After he had been bitten, however, it all changed. He said barely a handful of words the entire year following the attack, and even after only spoke if asked a direct question; his laugh became much quieter and was heard much less often, becoming a sound notable only in its extreme rarity; he hardly ever spoke above a soft murmur, and he became all but terrified of looking a person in the eye lest they see the monster lurking within him.

He withdrew completely into himself, became shut off almost completely from the world, condemned to isolation with nobody to talk to, both by his parent's fear of him and his own fear of himself—and, if he was being with honest with himself, his own fear of the world. It was glaringly obvious from the actions of everybody he had come into contact with since the attack that he was going to be despised and feared, at the very best only ever looked at with either some sort of clinical interest or horrified intrigue.

But that all changed with Sirius Black. He seemed to appear one day from nowhere, startling Remus by standing close and looking him straight in the eye and _speaking_ to him as if they were _friends_. As if they were friends who spoke all the time. Sirius did not look at him with revulsion or disgusted detachment like he was dirty and diseased. He looked at him with bright eyes and a nice smile, and before Remus knew it he found himself responding.

And just like that, he finally had a friend.

And with this newfound friendship also came a close companionship with James Potter, much to Remus's everlasting astonishment. _Two_ friends. Two friends that he could call his very own, two people to sit with in class, to wave him over at the dinner table with large grins and loud laughter. He finally had others to laugh with, to joke with, to fill the silence that he had not even known he had grown so accustomed to.

And no one could make him laugh harder than Sirius.

Along with Remus, the two raven-haired boys also took Peter Pettigrew under their wing, folding him neatly into the group and cementing a surprisingly solid bond in a startlingly short amount of time.

For the first time in his life, Remus felt as if he finally belonged somewhere; finally had a comfortable place all his own that he fit perfectly into. He finally had people to talk to, who actually _wanted_ to be around him, wanted to speak to him and asked his opinion on things and genuinely cared.

For the first time in his life, Remus finally felt noticed.

And even though he was happier than he could ever remember being, he still felt an ever-present uneasiness lurking at the back of every encounter he had with his friends, darting around just enough to distract him while hissing venomously that his friends would be disgusted by him if they knew the truth of what he was, what he had always been—a monster.

The fear continued to plague him, and he grew more and more desperate to cover up the truth of his condition. He lied constantly, claiming that he had always been a sickly child and had to sometimes leave on account of how often he felt unwell, that his mother was ill and he had been given special permission to visit her on occasion, and so on, the lies growing more and more frantic until finally one day in the spring of second-year the three of them confronted him in the dorm and informed him in quiet voices that they knew the truth.

Remus's eyes had widened and he felt tears spring up and threaten to spill over, certain that at any moment they were going to spit on him in revulsion and yell at him for ever tricking them into befriending him.

But they did neither.

Instead, Sirius had walked forward and looked him in the eye for a moment in absolute silence before pulling him into a gentle hug. He had then been released and informed in a very serious voice that the dark-haired boy had given him the nickname Moony, for obvious reasons of course, and which, according to Sirius, was just the most wicked nickname ever.

The tears really did spill over then as Remus realized that his friends were not planning on leaving him, they did not hate him. The crash of relief pounding through him was strong enough to render him completely mute, leaving him silent and trembling from the release of the painful certainty that at any moment, all three of them would sneer at him and call him a freak.

Shutting his eyes, he wrapped both arms around his torso tightly. A warm limb folded itself around his shoulders as Sirius pulled him close and ruffled his hair, playfully asking if he had any super werewolf strength they could use to their advantage. With a watery chuckle, Remus rolled his eyes.

And after that, he knew. He knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that he could trust them with anything, everything, with his very life. He knew that no matter what, they would be there for him, they would accept him, they would never ever desert him, never ever turn their backs on him or shut him out.

He finally had somewhere he belonged.

oOo

"Merlin, be _more_ conceited, Prongs, would you?" Sirius drawled smugly, folding his arms as he raised an eyebrow, feeling extremely pleased with himself. He noticed Moony attempting not to laugh at James, who had paused with his hand tangled in his hair, tousling it yet again for what had to be at least the fourteenth time in the whole seven minutes they had been sitting at that particular table in the library, the one James had practically dragged them toward. Even before they had arrived, Sirius had known exactly what the draw was.

And as they neared and he spotted Lily Evan's familiar auburn hair, he snorted and exchanged amused glances with Remus, who was currently shaking his head in fond exasperation at James, the latter of which was still shooting what he thought were covert glances at Evan's table several feet away.

"Did you bring us here just so you could drool over her while she studies?" Sirius sniggered.

"Maybe he thinks it's less creepy if we're here with him as he drools over her as opposed to just him sitting here alone, staring at her and drooling," said Remus wisely, nodding his head.

"Well," James sniffed, turning his attention onto them, "if you two are going to just sit there with that attitude the entire time you watch me watch Evans, then I really don't see why you insisted on accompanying me so bloody much."

"Oh, are we in the way here?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Well, Moony, Wormtail, sounds like we're not wanted here, eh? Maybe we should take our attitudes elsewhere."

Grinning, James shot him a two-finger salute. "You're such a bloody prat, Padfoot."

"Yes, everyone always warned me you would be a bad influence," Sirius nodded genially.

"I don't know why I continue to subject myself to your lies and negative outlook!" James countered dramatically, lips twitching as he reached into his pocket for a brightly-wrapped sweet.

"I'd say equal amounts love and desperation," Sirius shrugged.

"Oi!" James squawked indignantly, nearly choking on the sweet he had just placed in his mouth. "I am not desperate!"

With an amused expression, Sirius glanced between James and Evans, as if to say _who the fuck are you trying to kid, mate?_

"I mean _usually_ ," James grumbled, sinking lower in his seat.

The amusement on Sirius's face deepened and James responded with the same rude hand gesture as earlier.

"Hey Padfoot," Peter interrupted with a smirk, "Speaking of stalking…" With an obvious jerk of his head, he gestured toward a table where three Ravenclaw sixth-year girls were whispering to each other as they began pulling parchment and quills from their bags. One of the girls looked up suddenly, making eye contact with Sirius and smiling prettily before blushing and glancing away.

Frowning, Sirius turned back to his friends, two of whom were smirking and one who had not even looked up from his book.

"Look at that," Peter raised his eyebrows suggestively, "Rose Palmer is getting nearly as desperate as James."

"Oi!" James huffed loudly.

"Hardly," Sirius ignored him. "Nobody could ever be as desperate as James."

"Hey!" James cried indignantly, crossing his arms furiously as everybody ignored him.

"And even if it was possible," Sirius continued, "Rose Palmer is not _desperate_. And she's not here to stalk me," he said sharply as Peter opened his mouth. "This is a library, she is a Ravenclaw. She _studies_. It's what Ravenclaws fucking _do_. It's just what she fucking _does._ " He nodded firmly as if stamping a very solid period onto the end of the sentence.

" _You're_ what she fucking does," Peter sniggered, earning a chuckle and a nod from James. Remus still had yet to look up.

Rolling his eyes heavily, Sirius chose to maturely ignore Peter—for all of fifty-four seconds. "Nothing even really happened between us," he said suddenly, unable to simply overlook the girl's presence in the library now that Wormtail had pointed it out and made those comments. "Rose, I mean. I mean, you know, nothing _really._ And it was so long ago, like last term, so it makes no sense for her to be here stalking me, so she really is here just to study, like I said."

"So what exactly happened then?" Peter prodded.

"Well, nothing much, really," Sirius stammered, feeling suddenly extremely uncomfortable speaking about what had happened between him and Rose, and he wasn't sure why. Maybe it was because of the waves of unease he could feel practically radiating off of the werewolf seated next to him, nearly singeing his entire right side with the heat of the boy's discomfort. It was so obvious, why hadn't Peter and James noticed anything? Without even looking, Sirius could tell that Remus would be curled in on himself, hunched over the book he would be clutching in white-knuckled hands.

Why was Remus so upset?

A moment later, Sirius confirmed what he had already known he would see with a glance to the right. Moony was sitting bent over a book grasped in pale hands, head lowered and curls swinging loose to shield his face from sight.

Momentarily overcome with the urge to sweep the bronze fringe aside, Sirius fought it as he turned his gaze from the other boy. As his eyes landed on Rose Palmer and found her staring directly at him once again, he groaned internally and immediately regretted looking away from Remus. Was Sirius really the reason the girl was in the library? Had she followed him there? Was she following him around the school? Had she possibly somehow already memorized his schedule and mapped out his most common hangouts and routes to class?

But the next second he knew he was being ridiculous. Just because that was what James did with Evans did not mean that everybody was just as unbalanced. No, it was most likely just a coincidence that she was there.

After all, it was not like he had ever promised her anything.

"Well," the single word sliced through his thoughts and he turned his attention to James. "Whatever little happened between the two of you, she clearly wants more."

"Too bad for her," Sirius said, attempting to smirk. He had a feeling he failed. "I never promised her anything."

And at those words, Remus finally looked up. His head jerked upward from its lowered position facing his lap to stare at Sirius with such a pained expression that Sirius nearly reached out to him in comfort, but the next second the appearance of hurt was washed away by a look of pure outrage.

"Yes, too bad for her, isn't it, Padfoot?" Remus snapped angrily, glaring at him. "But maybe next time you could try telling them _before_ you fuck them that you have absolutely no intention of ever wanting it to be anything more, yeah?"

The other three boys sat in stunned silence. An angry Remus was a rare thing, indeed, but none of them had ever seen him lose his temper with Sirius before. Sirius could feel his mouth hanging open as he stared at the furious boy in surprise. Remus _never_ snapped at him, never got annoyed with him, and had certainly never yelled at him in genuine irritation before.

And before Sirius could even attempt to think of a response, Remus was shoving his things back into his bag. "Whatever," he muttered as he stood, not looking back at he strode away from them all and disappeared.

"What the bloody fuck was that about?" Sirius wondered in a shocked voice. He tossed the hair from his eyes in attempted casual indifference but knew by his stiff movements that it was far from his usual best.

"Beats the hell out of me," James shrugged, turning to look at Peter, who was looking as nonplussed as Sirius felt.

"Maybe he's just stressed," Wormtail suggested.

"It is a full moon in a couple days," James added with a significant look.

"Or maybe it's something else," Sirius mused. "Should I, you know, go see what's wrong? Or do you guys think he wants space right now?"

"Maybe I should go instead," James volunteered, already rising from his seat. "He's probably in the dorm; I'll find him and talk to him."

"Well if you're leaving and I don't have to be here anymore, then I'm sure as hell not staying," said Sirius, gathering up his belongings.

Nodding, Peter automatically followed and the three of them left the library—James staring at Evans the entire time they passed her table, causing him to stumble into Peter and nearly trip the both of them—and headed back to the Tower.

Once there, Sirius nudged a second-year from his favorite armchair and settled into his place, glancing around with a sigh. Peter had already copied him and evicted the latest occupant of the armchair next to Sirius from their seat. As his gaze flicked around the familiar noisy room, he found that his mind could only focus on one thing: just what the hell was going on with Remus?

* * *

A/N: That concludes chapter numero uno on this lovely newly-embarked adventure of ours! What did the internet think?

(If your complaint is that there's not enough smut, I know, I know, that will all be along later)

Lemme know your thoughts, lovers!

Until the next update, this mischief has officially been managed :)


	2. II

This chapter contains Full Moon Gay Teenage Werewolf Angst. And here it is now!

* * *

 **TO RIVAL THE SUN**

 **II**

Remus could smell blood—the cloying stench of it was thick in his nostrils. It smelled metallic and sharp, sickening and salty and nearly overwhelming. The scent seemed to sting his lungs as he dragged in breath after painful breath. His entire throat felt coated in sand and every inhalation felt charred as it seared through his airway. He felt beyond dehydrated, his mouth tasted terrible, and his limbs were shaking.

As he attempted to sit up, he noticed immediately with a hiss of pain that the smell of blood permeating the room was coming from his own chest. Several red slashes sliced across his flesh angrily, beginning to itch as the sticky dried blood cracked and flaked as he carefully raised himself into a sitting position.

Suddenly, a hand was gripping his shoulder and a chest was pressed against his back, allowing him to lean against the solid warmth. It wasn't until a palm began rubbing his arm comfortingly that he realized that, despite the light sheen of sweat still coating his body, he was beginning to shiver.

"Hold on," a voice said softly in his ear. "I've brought you a blanket, but let me heal these up for you."

At the first syllable, Remus recognized the voice and automatically tensed. And with their bodies still pressed together so closely, Sirius couldn't help but notice.

"Please, Remus," he said in low tones. "Just let me heal you and help you back to the castle, all right? You don't have to speak to me if you don't want to."

The plea in his voice made Remus pause—did Sirius really care that much? After all, he had shown up that night to watch over him; Remus could remember that much. And just as importantly—did Remus really have the strength or stupidity to refuse?

As he felt a soft blanket settle lightly over his lower body, he gave up any resistance. With a nod of assent, he closed his eyes and relaxed back against Sirius, a low whimper escaping his throat as Sirius's wand began to trail over his chest as the black-haired teen murmured words. At the pained noise Remus made, Sirius's hand started stroking the bare skin of his left arm in soothing up-and-down motions, raking his fingernails lightly over the other teen's still shaking limb.

Fighting back a shiver of pleasure and attempting to ignore the sensation, Remus frowned as he tried to piece the previous night back together. He remembered arriving at the Shack, apprehensive and alone. Where were the others? They should've been there already, shouldn't they? Were they running late? Had they had trouble sneaking out of the castle?

With a sharp pang, Remus had wondered if they had finally reached one too many full moons and had decided that he was not actually worth all the danger and trouble it was costing them. He had been selfish to ask that much of them to begin with.

And just as he had grown resigned to spending yet another full moon alone, the familiar black dog had slipped through the familiar decrepit doorway into the familiar dreary room just before the moon had risen.

Remus had been huddled in the corner, attempting to draw even breaths grown heavy as he tried to fight back the inevitable, tried to prolong for any second he could the dreaded change.

But he could feel it approaching. And maybe that part was the worst part of all of it—the waiting. The minutes before it was going to happen, when he knew it was coming, knew that no matter how much he resisted it was coming all the same, speeding toward him as darkness overtook the earth and the moon rose to illuminate the world in silver pain-filled howls.

The familiar heat had begun to build within his veins just as the dog entered the room, growing hotter and hotter until he felt as if his own blood would burn right through him, melt through his veins and arteries as though they were made of thin parchment, dissolve into his muscles like boiling water poured atop ice with a steaming hiss and liquefy his bones—a feeling that no matter how many times he experienced he never ever got used to.

And then the change began.

Sometimes he was able to hold back the agonized screams that would tear themselves from his throat as he began to feel his bones shifting, bunching, felt hair prickling along his skin in ripples of needlelike sensation, but last night was not one of those times. He cried out and shrieked as he felt every muscle, every bone altering or adjusting. A long snout forcibly lengthened his head with a crunching sort of stretch, black fur sprouting to cover long teeth grown razor sharp, low growls already beginning to slip loose between fangs designed for shredding, tearing, killing. Tears trickled in salty rivers down his cheeks as he felt his body change completely. The burning had spread outward and focused on the ends of his limbs as he felt his hands forcibly curled into clawed paws—paws belonging to a monster. He was a killer—he was everything terrifying and dangerous.

He had been scared of himself for twelve years.

That was the point at which the wolf had taken over and his memories became more of a shadowed blur. And somehow he now found himself in the arms of Sirius Black, his back pressed against the very solid chest of the dark-haired boy as he healed the injuries that Remus had inflicted on himself.

The dawn of the first full moon after the Marauders had informed him of knowing his secret, they had snuck into the Hospital Wing to visit him as he recovered. Remus would never forget the matching expressions of horror on each of their young faces as they saw him propped up in bed behind thick curtains, slathered in healing potions and bandages, tear-tracks still fresh on his face from the terror and after-effects of the previous night.

After that, Sirius had immediately begun learning every healing spell he could accomplish at that age, practicing the movements again and again until he was certain he was able to perform them perfectly, teaching James and attempting to teach Peter, who was a bit hopeless at it. He had always insisted on checking Remus over thoroughly for injury after every full moon, even after Moony had received an approved bill of clean health from Madam Pomfrey. And Sirius's skills at healing had only improved with the time.

Opening his eyes, Remus silently watched as Sirius finished healing his wounds and even considerately cast a gentle cleaning charm over him. He wrapped his arms loosely around Remus's waist as he rested his chin between Remus's head and shoulder.

The moment and the proximity were so soft, so intimate, and Remus did not know what to do. He felt simultaneously uncomfortable and content, knowing that he would not be able to move from that position for anything in the world.

But the silence felt heavy to him and he felt the need to speak.

"Are there scars?" His voice sounded dusty and brittle; he cleared his throat and winced at the raw feeling.

"I'm not sure, it's too dark in here so I can't see," Sirius replied softly, stroking one finger along Remus's chest, as though feeling for disfigurements. Remus was grateful for the dim lighting as he blushed, reddening further at the reminder that he was naked beneath the blanket. "But if you like, I could rub dittany on your chest for you."

"Did you bring any?" Remus asked in surprise, momentarily startled out of the intense flush that had threatened to incinerate him whole at Sirius's offer. Had Sirius really brought dittany just for him for the intended purpose of rubbing it on after healing him?

Without a word, Sirius waved his wand and a bottle soared across the room and into his palm. "I got it at that new apothecary that opened up not too long ago in Hogsmeade, it's supposed to be really good, and this one was really expensive, so you would expect it to be good, yeah? And it's in a cream instead of a liquid. I could rub it on for you," he finished softly, hopefully, as if Remus would be doing him the favor by granting his permission, as opposed to the other way around.

"Okay," Remus breathed, hardly daring to allow himself to really believe that, without another moment's hesitation, Sirius had opened the lid and scooped a generous amount of the puce-colored cream onto Remus's chest.

Fingers not his own touched the skin of his upper body lightly, spreading the cream out across the unclothed expanse of the same bare flesh protecting his heart, the same heart threatening to burst from his ribs at the touch of the other boy. Sirius continued rubbing the dittany in circles until he was satisfied by the light of his wand that the potion had been fully massaged in.

Closing his eyes, Remus allowed his head to fall back against Sirius's shoulder as the black-haired boy scooped out another handful and began gently stroking that one in as well.

"This feels nice; you know, after," Remus mumbled absently, enjoying the tingling sensations of Sirius's touch.

At Remus's words, the touch faltered for a second or two before Sirius continued his circular motions. "Last night was bad, wasn't it?" he asked in a serious voice. "I mean, like, worse than normal, yeah?"

Swallowing painfully, Remus nodded. Why lie to Sirius? He would recognize the lie in an instant and Remus was far too exhausted to even think about attempting to cover up anything in his state.

"Why?"

The question was so soft that Remus at first didn't register hearing it. But then as he realized the silence was awaiting an answer, he pondered what he thought he had heard. Why had the night been particularly hard? Was that was Sirius was asking? How honest was Remus willing to be with the other boy?

"I…" he began, unsure of just what to say.

"Please, Remus," Sirius pleaded. "Watching you last night…the pain you were obviously in…the pain you caused yourself…it just—it _hurt_. I just want to know why last night was like that. I want to prevent it from ever happening again."

"Well, I—it's because—" Remus attempted, unsure of how to explain it in words. "I just…wasn't in a good place before the change, and it's already such an incredibly emotional experience when the wolf takes over, and it just…I suppose that a lot of my emotional pain manifested itself as physical pain." That seemed to be the best way he could think of to explain it.

The caresses over his chest stopped as two arms wrapped around his torso and held tight. "Remus," Sirius said in a slightly choked voice. "Those noises you were making last night…the screams and the howls and the crying…did you know that you cry sometimes as a wolf?" Remus turned his head to gaze at him curiously, wondering for the briefest of seconds if Padfoot was making fun of him, but the other boy looked deadly serious. "Not very often, but sometimes, in the calmer hours near dawn when you're almost ready to change back, you curl up on the floor and sort of whimper and you _cry_."

"I…I cry?" He wasn't sure what to feel, how to take those words. He cried as a wolf? His wolf side was capable of crying and able to actually recognize being sad? His wolf-self had _emotions_? Just how separate was his wolf-self from his real self? They were two separate creatures, were they not? He was Remus, and the Werewolf was the Werewolf. He had always known that emotions could directly affect the change, but he had always thought of it as carry-over from when his two selves were adjusting and jockeying for control. But if his wolf-self was crying…during a time hours after Remus had vanished within the surge of savage animal instinct he was forced to submit to every month…what did that mean?

Maybe it meant nothing other than that even the brutal werewolf within him felt lonely.

"Remus…" Sirius hesitated for a moment before continuing, "What did you mean by emotional pain? What's going on?" His voice was feather soft, and so caring and comforting and _safe_ that Remus wanted nothing more than to fall into the sound and float away, drift along on a breeze of all the kindness apparent in the other boy's words. He wanted to allow Sirius's strength to hold him up; he longed for nothing more than to be able to trust him enough to do so. He longed for nothing more than to feel able to confide in him.

But how could he?

How could he trust another person enough to confess his secrets to? How could he answer the question, tell the other boy what he had kept hidden for so long, when Sirius was already entangled so treacherously within that secret? Could he trust Sirius? Could he trust anyone?

Sighing, he traced a pattern onto the blanket covering his thigh. It would be so nice to be able to trust someone fully, to share himself with someone completely.

But how could he?

How could he trust anyone to care for him as deeply as he needed and be there for him as often as he needed as well? It would hardly be easy, getting close with a werewolf, being involved with a werewolf. It would never work with anybody; Remus had accepted that years ago.

He was destined to be lonely for the rest of his life.

And even if it somehow was possible for him to find someone willing to be with him, it was hardly going to be Sirius Black, infamous heterosexual and shagger of all things female and interested—which were most females, frankly.

"Remus, please," Sirius pleaded quietly, arms still wrapped firmly around him. "Please talk to me. I worry about you, you know. And after last night…" Remus felt a shudder pass through the other boy. "Does it…does it have anything to do with the fact that you're angry with me?"

As he spoke, his arms loosened at the reminder of Remus's silence toward him ever since the library incident the other day.

"I'm sorry, Remus, for what I said," Sirius murmured, retightening his hold suddenly, as though worried that Remus might bolt at the apology. "I know it came off as, you know, insensitive, and pratish, and I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for whatever else I did to upset you, I didn't mean to do it, I swear," he continued in an honest-sounding tone.

"It's okay, Padfoot," said Remus, attempting not to give in to the glow threatening to fill him at the sincere remorse in the other boy's every word. "I'm not mad, I get it; it's just who you are." He said the words before he thought through how they might be taken, and as he finished speaking he felt Sirius stiffen before his grip loosened.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Remus corrected hastily. "I just—I get it, it's fine, Pads, I'm not angry with you. And I'm sorry as well for the things I said and how I spoke to you in the library." He placed his arms over Sirius's lax limbs and leaned fully into him, unable to resist the solid warmth of him against his back any longer, especially if he was about to grow annoyed with Remus and leave.

"You definitely shocked the three of us," Sirius chuckled lightly instead and retightened his hold on Remus's torso. "I don't think any of us have ever heard you say 'fuck' before. I think I liked it, Moons." His tone had turned sly, and Remus ignored his blush as he reminded himself that Sirius was always making flirty comments such as that, it didn't actually mean anything. He was only teasing—not to mention only interested in girls.

And even if it somehow was real, Sirius's affections were only ever temporary, as Sirius himself had pointed out only just the other day.

"I suppose you were bound to have some sort of influence over me."

Sirius rested his cheek against Remus's neck. "All to your advantage, my darling Moony."

As warm breaths ghosted gently over the skin of his throat, Remus fought back a shiver as his heart attempted to break its way out of its rib confines.

"Where…" Remus began in a shaky voice, "where are Wormtail and Prongs?"

A quiet laugh was huffed over his collarbone. "About that…would you be upset with me if I told you that I asked them not to come last night? I wanted it to be just the two of us, so I could apologize. I figured it would be less awkward without the two of them around. Plus, James picked a fight with Snivellus after dinner and got Peter and himself detention, so they were out scrubbing bedpans in the Hospital Wing 'til late." Sirius turned his head to grin widely at Remus. "I was only spared such fate by sheer coincidence of them being terrible friends and not waiting for me while I finished eating. They were off getting yelled at by McGonagall and I had to eat at the table all alone because you were in the library avoiding me," his tone became pointed.

"How did you know I was in the library?" Remus asked curiously. At Sirius's raised eyebrow, he hastened to continue, "Oh, and sorry for, you know, avoiding you and leaving you all alone at the Gryffindor table with the forty or so Gryffindor girls alone in your fan club." He frowned. The apology had started out sincere and then somehow ended up turning sarcastic somewhere along the way.

"Fan club?" Sirius blinked in confusion, and Remus wanted nothing more than to laugh fondly at him and kiss his jaw.

But he couldn't.

"Your fan club of femmes? Basically the entire female population of Hogwarts?" The sarcasm was back.

"You're saying every girl in school wants me?" Sirius smirked, and Remus heard more than saw the eye roll.

"Probably half the blokes as well."

"And which half are you in, then?"

"I'm impartial," he replied in what he hoped was a steady tone, his heart hammering painfully.

"Oh, come on, Moons," Sirius said casually. "You can't be impartial in life. Nor can you be impartial to my apparently astounding good looks. Rumor has it that they have already managed to entrance three-quarters of the school into forming fanatical groups in my honor."

"And how many of them have you managed to shag so far?" Remus tried to keep his voice just as nonchalant as the other boy's had been, but he knew he had failed. There had been a bitter sharp edge to his words, and he was not sure what Sirius would make of it. Would he finally understand it as jealousy, and then turn on him in disgust? They were best mates, after all. Best mates did not get jealous of the swarms of girls one of them happened to always be shagging.

"I…Moony…" Sirius seemed to be at a loss for what to say. "I feel as though I should apologize for everyone I've ever been with, and I'm not exactly sure why. Is this, like, insecurity over being a virgin sort of thing? Are you upset because I've been with more girls than you have?"

The moment the words left his mouth, Remus was moving. Before he was even fully aware of his actions, the blanket was wrapped around his waist and he was across the room, pulling on his clothing. He tried to shrug into the fabric as quickly as he could, but before he was completely dressed and could escape the room, Sirius was standing in front of him, blocking his path by placing his hands on Remus's shoulders.

Before he could speak, however, Remus was talking. "It's definitely _not_ that, Sirius, god! You know what? You were right earlier. You _are_ insensitive, and you _are_ a prat." He tried to duck out of the brunet's grasp, but Sirius was not allowing it. He gripped Remus even tighter and moved closer to him, forcing him to begin backing away, until with a sharp intake of breath he felt the wall hit his shoulder blades and he was trapped.

"Remus," Sirius said in a low voice, "what's wrong with you? I'm sorry for what I said, I really am, but _please_! What's the matter? I don't understand!"

"No," Remus agreed softly. "You really don't."

"Then tell me."

"I can't," Remus whispered. "I can't tell you, Padfoot."

"But _why_?" Sirius demanded, voice cracking slightly. "You're supposed to tell me everything! We're best mates, you're supposed to be able to trust me!"

"Sirius…"

"Do you trust me?" Sirius asked, voice strangely hesitant. "Is that what the real problem is? There's something the matter, something you need to talk about, and you just can't trust me enough to talk to me about it?" His tone was hurt and he stepped away from Remus.

Regret raised Remus's arm and made him stretch out a hand to stop the other boy. "I trust you more than anyone else in this entire world," he said honestly. "You were my very first friend, Pads. You were the first person to ever notice me. Of course I trust you."

Sirius's expression softened as he covered the hand Remus had on his shoulder with his own. "Then talk to me," he said simply.

"I'm not sure if I can about this," Remus admitted. How did he talk to Sirius about the fact that Remus was different from him? The fact that he was… _gay_? As he word passed through his mind, Remus shuddered internally.

On top of already being a painfully awkward teenage werewolf who was in love with his best friend, he also happened to be gay as well. What would his friends say? What if they accepted the werewolf in him—something that had been done to him—but rejected him based on his orientation, something he was down in his core? What if Sirius figured out his feelings for him, and looked at Remus with revulsion, or worse, pity?

What if Sirius shattered him?

"There's nothing you can't talk to me about," Padfoot said sincerely. "Please, Moony. I just need to know that you're okay, because, if you had seen yourself last night, you would bloody well be worried, too."

"I don't want you to hate me," Remus whispered, shutting his eyes before he could see Sirius's expression.

"No, Moony," Sirius murmured, one hand sweeping the hair from the other boy's closed eyes. "Don't do that. Don't try to hide from me. Look at me, okay? Please. Just talk to me. I won't hate you, I promise I won't. I never could. God, how could you even think that of me?"

The words caused Remus's eyes to snap open. At the hurt look on the other boy's face, Remus found himself blurting out the truth. "I'm gay." The words were followed by a sharp silence. "I'm gay, Sirius."

And with that, Remus pulled away and left the room, hurrying down the tunnel in a dazed sort of shock. He had just confessed his big dark secret—one of them, anyway—to the very object of said forbidden desires. At least he hadn't told Sirius just exactly which bloke it was he dreamt of. He was pathetic enough already without admitting to his best friend just how long exactly he had been pining after him.

Making his way back to the castle as quickly as he could, Remus felt worn-out and weary, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to sleep for a solid day and maybe when he woke up he would be a different person.

Maybe he would finally be a person that Sirius could be with. And maybe when he was different he would no longer be afraid of himself.

Maybe he would finally no longer hate himself.

oOo

Sirius frowned at the empty chair across the Common Room table from him. Why the fuck was it so empty?

"Where's Moony?" he wondered aloud, earning a disgruntled look from James.

"He's with Evans," he answered grumpily. "He and Evans are in the library, studying together alone, just the two of them. The bastards," he grumbled.

"But I'm fine with it," he added suddenly. "I've given it some thought, and I've come to the mature realization that what Lily Evans and Remus Lupin get up to in their spare time is none of my business, even if he's only just my best mate and she's only the girl I've been in love with since I laid eyes on her, so you know, no big deal or anything if they currently happen to be snogging up against a bookshelf or anything."

Biting back the urge to mock him, Sirius simply raised an eyebrow as his lips twitched. "Oh come on, Prongs," he waved, "its _Moony_. He's the last person you should be worried about snogging Evans. Well," his brow wrinkled, "there is Peter. And Snivellus, of course," he snickered.

But the other boy did not laugh, instead looking very serious as he leaned in closer across the table. "Has Remus seemed a little…off to you lately?" James asked in a quiet voice. "He's been acting strangely, and avoiding us a lot. What if there really is something going on with him and Lily? What if he's been acting weird out of guilt or something? They're such good friends, much closer than her and I are. Sirius, you don't think he would do that to me, do you?"

All traces of Sirius's earlier humor were gone as he gazed somberly at his friend. "Of course not, James," he said firmly. "It's _Remus_. Besides, I happen to know for a fact that he isn't interested in Evans."

"How do you know?" James asked immediately, looking hopeful. "Did he tell you he fancies someone else? I've never actually known him to fancy anyone, come to think of it."

"Well, he didn't actually tell me anyone specific," Sirius frowned, not liking at all the idea of Remus having feelings for some unknown faceless bloke. "But I know for sure that it isn't Evans. So calm down already, Prongs."

"Did the two of you end up talking, then?" James wondered, pushing his books to the side of the Common Room table they were seated at. "After the full moon, when you ever so politely asked Peter and myself not to be there for our friend so you could have the chance to speak to him about why he was so angry with you?"

"Uh, yeah, we talked," Sirius answered carefully. He wasn't sure how much to tell James, how much he should tell him or how much Remus would want him to. Knowing Remus and his walls and his intense privacy, Sirius knew that his friend did not want anybody else knowing what had been admitted.

"So what happened?" James prodded. "What'd you two talk about? What was the problem?"

"Uh…well, he's just…you know, worried about stuff, and stressed right now, and I think part of it was the full moon, and I think the biggest part of him feels lonely, and he told me that he's worried we'll all hate him," Sirius winced as the words left his mouth. He had not meant to add any of that last part.

Oops.

"Hate him for what?" James asked in surprise. "What the hell would we hate him for?"

"Oh, you know Moony," Sirius said weakly. "He's always been shy and insecure, it's adorable." He clamped his lips shut. What was wrong with him? Why was he saying those things and where were they coming from?

"Adorable?" Dark eyebrows disappeared beneath black hair as James looked at Sirius oddly. But the next moment he shrugged. "I suppose our little werewolf is adorable, isn't he?" His expression turned worried. "You don't think Evans has noticed that he's adorable, do you?"

With a snort, Sirius turned away.

That had been close.

oOo

"Moony!"

At the familiar voice, Remus thought about quickening his stride, but knew it would be useless. Judging by the adamant ring to his call, Sirius would chase him down if necessary. Deciding to allow the other boy to catch up, Remus compromised by refusing to look at him as they walked down the corridor side-by-side, instead focusing his attention on a strap on the bag slung heavily over his left shoulder, fiddling nervously with it as he avoided looking at the dark-haired boy next to him.

"Moony," Sirius tried again, but Remus did not look at him or respond.

"Remus, stop!"

The next thing he knew, he had been pulled to a halt and Sirius's hand was gripping his elbow tightly.

"What is your problem?" Sirius demanded hotly, tightening his hold. "Why have you been avoiding me for a solid fucking week?"

"I have not," Remus sulked in a low voice, wanting to cross his arms defensively but unable to do so with Sirius's current grip on his arm.

"Yes you fucking have," Sirius growled, grey eyes flashing as he took a step closer. "You ran out of the Shack before I could stop you, and since then, I've hardly seen you! You spend all of your time with Evans, and you two have been avoiding me and James like we're fucking lepers!"

"Well, I—I just—I-I thought—" Remus stammered, remorse flooding his cheeks with color. "I'm sorry, Sirius, I just—I thought that you would maybe not want to be around me so much after what I told you."

"What, you mean because you're gay? You don't trust me to be able to accept you?" Sirius's voice was angry, but there was a tinge to his words that Remus suspected might be hurt. "So, when you told me your secret, it was told out of fear and not out of an actual trust you have in me. Wow, thank you for that, Remus. It's nice to know that after all these years, my own best friend doesn't trust me." His tone was wounded, despite the obvious anger.

"I do trust you!" Remus cried, wishing fiercely that he was not there taking part in that conversation. "I told you already: I trust you more than anybody else in the world!"

"Then why can't you talk to me about this?" Sirius asked accusingly, finally releasing Remus's elbow to fold his arms across his chest. "You've been avoiding me instead of talking to me! So what, Remus? So fucking what if you like boys? Why would you think that would change anything? Do you have such little faith in us as friends that you think that something like this would turn us against you? Do you have such little faith in yourself that you think us able to accept the wolf in you, but not the fact that you fancy blokes?

"And so fucking what if you fancy blokes?" he continued, voice getting louder. "Lots of people fancy blokes! Evans fancies blokes, and Camellia Meadows fancies blokes, and your _mum_ fancies blokes, and _my_ mum fancies…well, screaming and blood supremacy and telling me how shit I am as a son, but I'm sure in her younger, more carefree days she at some point fancied blokes." He paused to take a breath. "My point is, Remus, that you're not the first person in the world to find out they're turned on by boys. Trust me when I tell you, it's not a new revelation.

"So what you're going to do," he continued, "is remember that we are your friends and we love you, and to get the fuck over it already, because if we can accept the fact that we allow ourselves to be seen in public with someone with hair as horrendous as James, then we would of course have no problem accepting your orientation, Moony!"

The loud rant was met with silence. "So deal with it," Sirius added, appearing self-conscious now that he was no longer yelling. Remus stared at him in shock and a growing bemusement. For a moment, Sirius looked worried that he would refuse to respond, but the next second a large grin had broken out across Remus's face.

"Your mum fancies screaming and blood supremacy over everything else?"

"Some people do prioritize things over cock, you know," Sirius rolled his eyes, chuckling as the word made Remus blush. "Can I ask you a question? I mean, it's a bit personal, so you don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'm just curious."

At Remus's wary nod, he continued. "How far have you ever gone with a bloke?"

A startled laugh burst from Remus's throat. "How far?" His laugh was strange and high-pitched. "Try nowhere."

"Like nowhere at all nowhere?" Sirius sounded surprised.

"Werewolves aren't exactly sought-after dates, believe it or not," Remus responded sarcastically.

At the sardonic tone overlaying the other boy's words, Sirius sighed sadly. "You really have no idea why someone might fancy you, do you?"

"Padfoot," Remus said patiently, "nobody _does_ fancy me. That's probably why there are no reasons."

"How do you know if no blokes fancy you?" Sirius demanded. "You haven't even come out yet! Christ, Remus, at least give yourself a chance before deciding to just give up completely!"

"I haven't decided to just _give up completely_ ," Remus said uncomfortably. He knew full well how terribly insecure he was, and it was not something he liked having pointed out to him by those he was close to.

"Good," Sirius said, poking him sharply. "Because you're a right catch you are, Remus Lupin, when you're not being all moody and sulky. Although it does give you that whole tortured-loner-poet vibe, which is always hot, so maybe you really could work the whole brooding, sulky angle."

"I am not sulky!" Remus shouted.

Raising one eyebrow, Sirius's lips twitched as Remus folded his arms and huffed. "I am not sulky," he muttered.

"You are a bit, but it's endearing, so don't worry," Sirius grinned.

Remus returned the smile for several seconds before it vanished. "Look, Sirius," he sighed heavily, "I appreciate what you're doing and everything you've been saying. But the truth is that nobody is ever going to want to be with a werewolf. You know it's true. So it really doesn't even matter if I'm gay, because in all honestly, it won't make a difference who I fancy. No one will ever look at me in the same way."

"Remus, that's not true!" Sirius insisted in an appalled voice. "God, what's the matter with you?"

"Nobody's ever even kissed me, Padfoot," Remus admitted in a defeated voice. "Nobody's ever wanted to. The Marauders' are the only ones who know I'm a werewolf, and even without that horrifying knowledge nobody wants me."

"Well," Sirius said slowly, as though thinking his next words over carefully, "would you like to know what it's like?"

"Know what what's like?" Remus asked dully.

"Being kissed."

The words were spoken so matter-of-factly, so casually, as if the offer of a kiss from Sirius Black was not enough to possibly stop a young werewolf's heart for good.

"What?" Remus croaked. "You want to… _kiss_ me?" He expected Sirius to deny it, to confess that it was a badly timed joke.

But instead he gazed evenly at Remus. "Yes," he said.

" _Why_?"

"Because I want you to know what it's like," Sirius responded calmly. "I want you to know that there _are_ people in this world willing and happy to kiss you, even if you are a werewolf. And maybe then you'll finally realize that it's more than possible to find someone able to love you for everything you are, instead of in spite of everything about yourself you see as a flaw."

Remus felt as though he could not breathe. Was Sirius Black offering to be his first kiss? Was he saying that he did not view Remus in the same negative critical light that Remus saw himself permanently cast in?

No. It was too good to actually be happening, and Remus would not allow himself to believe the offer was genuine. And a quieter part of him admitted to himself that, while it was just a casual offer made out of kindness from Sirius, a gesture of friendship—and, a hissing voice reminded himself, most likely driven out of pity—it would be so much more to Remus.

It would be far too much to Remus.

"No," he whispered, falling back a step. "No, Padfoot, really, i-it's okay," he attempted a weak laugh. "Thanks for coming to find me, to, you know, talk and everything. But I have prefect rounds, so I should go. But we're fine, everything between us, I mean, so don't be worried, yeah?"

"If you're sure, Moons," Sirius sounded uncertain.

"I am," Remus said as firmly as he was able.

And, cursing the Sorting Hat for placing him in Gryffindor instead of in Slytherin like the coward he was, he turned and all but ran away from the bemused-looking black-haired boy still staring after him.

* * *

So close on the kiss! Will it ever finally happen? Will Remus ever admit his feelings? Will Sirius ever return them? All shall be answered in time!


	3. III

I do believe that first kisses and drama were promised and wouldja look at that, here they are now!

* * *

 **TO RIVAL THE SUN**

 **III**

Since the age of eleven, Remus had always known he was different from the other boys in his year—beyond being a werewolf, of course. He was always quiet, he never acted out, and he never mentioned girls. And he did not recognize the reasons why he never spoke about girls in the same way that James and Sirius and Peter did until he was thirteen years old.

The realization that he had never had a crush on a girl hit him several minutes after a solid fist of jealousy sank into his stomach at the sight of Sirius kissing Daisy Audley behind one of the greenhouses one day before dinner. That was when he finally recognized the feelings of admiration and slight hero-worship he had for Sirius Black for what they really were.

As the realization slammed into him forcefully that he was falling—long fallen, if he was being honest with himself; he knew without a doubt that he had belonged to Sirius the moment the boy had spoken to him—for his best friend, he was not sure how to react to it. He was not even sure how to understand it. How could he have feelings for his best friend? It was true that he had not had very much experience with friendships in the past, but he knew that that was not how they were supposed to work. Remus was not supposed to like boys, and he was not supposed to like Sirius.

But God help him, he did.

And by the time fourth year had ended and he was faced with the lonely prospect of yet another long summer without Sirius, he knew. He knew without any doubt in his mind: he was completely, absolutely, irreversibly, unquestionably, painfully in love with Sirius Black.

And he knew just as certainly that Sirius would never love him back.

Not to say that the other boy didn't love him, of course; obviously, he cared for Remus. But not in the same agonizing, burning, all-consuming way that Remus felt toward him. It would never be in the way that Remus so desperately wished.

Every day he watched Sirius. Every day he stood near him; spoke to him, laughed with him, touched him, even, occasionally. But it was never enough, and every day it only served to remind him of what he would never be able to have.

He would never have Sirius. He would never have anybody.

Or, more accurately, nobody would ever have _him_.

Remus was tainted, polluted, damaged. He wasn't even fully human. He was skinny and weak, quiet, shy, and pathetic. Why would anybody ever want to be with him? He was hideous; scarred. He had a monster living inside of him, making him dangerous to be around. He was not worth the risk that would come attached to being involved with a werewolf.

He did not deserve Sirius.

To Remus, there had never been anyone more perfect than Sirius Black. He had always been stunning, always been so dazzling and beautiful that it hurt sometimes to look at him, as if when Remus gazed at him, he was staring directly into the face of the sun. Sirius was funny and clever, both impressively intelligent and extremely charming when he wanted to be. He was comfortable being around others and had always been able to make friends quickly. There was an easy relaxed air that seemed to always hang around him as if he exuded good-natured calm.

His ability to not take life too seriously was something that Remus had always admired. The talent he possessed at being able to laugh things off had always been envied as well by Remus, who felt as if he had only ever viewed life through somber, melancholy eyes.

But finally, he had others to laugh with, to make him laugh and to laugh at his jokes. And Sirius was the one person who had always been able to make him laugh.

Remus had fallen in love with him before he had even been aware of it.

oOo

The dungeon corridor felt colder than normal as Sirius hurried along it. Or maybe it only felt colder due to the late hour and the fact that he was alone. Either way, the dungeons were miserable and damp and he wanted nothing more than to return to the warm comfort of the Gryffindor Tower.

 _Stupid fucking Slughorn_ , Sirius thought venomously as he continued along the dark passage. _And fuck Snivellus as well, the stupid, slimy git. Stupid prat can't take a fucking joke_. It had only been a harmless prank; every time Snape turned his back, Sirius would levitate one of his Potions ingredients away from his station. Until he had "accidentally"—impulsiveness could be termed a sort of accident, couldn't it?—levitated some sort of large blue-capped mushroom into the cauldron, causing it to overflow all over Snape and nearly blow up in his face.

But it hadn't, and he had turned out all right. Giving Sirius detention for an accident hardly seemed fair. James had laughed, Peter had chortled, and Remus had not even glanced his direction as Slughorn assigned him three days' worth of detention. And finally, his three days were over with and he was free once more—just as soon as he escaped the dungeons.

"Bit lost, aren't we, Black?" A soft voice came from the shadows, and Sirius whipped automatically around to face it as a figure stepped out into the weak torchlight. "What are you doing wandering down here all alone?"

"None of your fucking business, Lestrange," Sirius replied coolly, recognizing Rabastan Lestrange from the oily tones of the other boy's voice. He had a discernibly smooth, continuous way of speaking, one word seeming to slither into the next and never failing to raise the hairs on Sirius's arms in discomfort.

"So impolite, isn't he?" Lestrange sighed heavily. "I only asked a simple question."

"What else would you expect from a fucking Gryffindor?" a familiar nasally voice spoke up from somewhere behind him.

A feeling of unease passed through Sirius as he turned to face Severus Snape.

"You lot patrolling in packs, now?" Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Or have the two of you taken to stalking me? Cos I can tell you, if this is your idea of flirting, you're going about it all wrong."

"As if, pervert," Lestrange growled, moving closer.

"Well, if you're not here to flirt," Sirius smirked, attempting to remain outwardly cool although his insides felt rather fluttery, "why are you moving closer to me?" The question made Lestrange pause.

"We're here to offer you a reminder, Black," Snape said softly behind him.

"I assure you my mind is as sharp as it's ever been, but thanks for the concern," Sirius responded sarcastically, heart beginning to pound. He wasn't afraid of either of the two boys, but he did not like the idea of being ganged up on in Slytherin territory. He knew he could handle Snivellus, but Rabastan had always been rather unpredictable. The only thing he had ever been consistent in before was his cruelty.

 _Typical vicious fucking Slytherin,_ Sirius thought, as his eyes narrowed.

"But you haven't even heard what the reminder is," Snape said in a dangerous voice.

"And I'm afraid I don't care," Sirius shrugged. "Now, I'm sure the two of you would agree with me when I say I have better places to be, and better people to be speaking with. So if you gentlemen will excuse me now, I'll just be on my way back to the less unpleasant parts of the castle."

As he strode away, heart pounding, he cast a non-verbal Shield Charm—he had always been rather good at the non-verbals—around himself, waiting for something to happen. He did not have to wait long.

Just as he reached the end of the corridor, he felt something hit his shield and turned in time to see the spell rebound and speed back toward Snape. The sneer vanished from his face as he was wrenched suddenly upward by his ankle to hang suspended in midair, looking murderous.

"Stupefy!" Sirius shouted, and the spell hit Snape just as a jet of light hit Sirius. Letting out a pained cry, Sirius stumbled backward and nearly fell as Rabastan began to advance with a smirk.

"Those bad manners seem to have gotten you into trouble yet again," Lestrange drawled, the slippery-sounding words dripping from his mouth like polluted water. "I expected you to have been raised better than this, Sirius," he tutted. "Regulus never behaves this badly."

"Good," Sirius spat. "The more differences between myself and my brother, not to mention the rest of you fucking lot, the happier I'll be."

"You shouldn't be so quick to dismiss real family like that," Lestrange commented, moving closer. "Who else will you have left in the end, after all?"

Sirius laughed coldly. "Just because my brother and I share blood doesn't make us real family. It makes us blood-related. I have a real family outside of my kin, thank you very much."

Tilting his head, Lestrange gazed at him with pity. "You mean your idiotic band of Gryffindors? Hardly what I would call a family."

"That just goes to show how little you know about relationships involving actual loyalty," Sirius countered.

"Yes, trust a Gryffindor to bring the matter of loyalty into everything," the other boy sighed. He had paused in his advancement and now stood very close to Sirius.

"Did you corner me just to lecture me on the nonexistent value of my useless relatives?" Sirius asked in a bored voice, but the grip on his wand was painfully tight. "Because if you did, I would personally rather not stick around for it. But thanks for thinking of me, darling. Your concern is always welcome, but in future, I would suggest working on your come-ons. _Such_ bad flirting," he tutted. As the other boy's face twisted in rage and disgust, Sirius felt a surge of satisfaction. Until the same spell Lestrange had cast earlier hit Sirius for a second time, and he cried out in pain.

"Impedimenta!" he shouted, aiming at the tall Slytherin, but Lestrange managed to duck the jet of light.

Just as the Slytherin raised his wand to retaliate, it was suddenly jerked from his hands. Sirius whipped his head around to see Remus holding the caught wand and staring calmly at Lestrange.

"What's going on here?" Moony asked softly, folding his arms and gazing around the corridor. Sirius was rubbing the back of his wand hand where he could feel a large welt beginning to form from Rabastan's spell; Rabastan was glaring at Remus, and Snape was still unconscious and hanging upside down like some grotesque oversized bat.

"Just chatting," Lestrange answered coolly, shifting his weight and staring disdainfully down at Remus.

"After curfew?" Remus asked, taking several steps closer to stand at Sirius's side. "This is the second time in a week I've caught you out after hours, Lestrange. And I believe the previous time did involve a warning." The words were spoken in a quiet voice, but there was a low undercurrent of something that gave Sirius gooseflesh. Remus was normally so kind and gentle, not to mention almost painfully shy, that Sirius often forgot about the fact that Remus was actually dangerous. It was so easy to forget that Remus had a werewolf inside of him, but at the current tone present in his voice, Sirius was reminded of just how formidable the slim boy next to him could be.

Lestrange seemed to sense it as well. "Fine," he said, taking a step back. "Just give me my wand and I'll go back to the dorm."

"Of course," Remus said pleasantly, tossing the wand to the other boy, who caught it in surprise. "Make sure to take Snape with you," he nodded toward the unconscious boy still suspended in midair. "And make sure to tell him about the meeting the two of you have with McGonagall in the morning regarding all your detentions. I'll be sure to let her know to expect you."

And without waiting for a reply, he wrapped a hand around Sirius's arm and began tugging him down the corridor and away from the two Slytherins.

"Are you all right, Pads?" he asked in a soft voice as he released his hold on Sirius.

"I'm fine," Sirius responded with a sly grin, knocking shoulders with the other boy playfully. "Thanks to you, my curly-haired rescuer." His smile widened as Remus blushed. "How did you find me, anyway?"

"I had borrowed the Map for my prefect rounds," Remus explained as they began climbing stairs. "I was all the way up on the fourth floor when I noticed the three of you together in the dungeons. Sorry it took so long to get to you."

"Oh, my darling Moony," Sirius smiled and threw an arm around the other boy's shoulders. "Only you would rescue me from greasy prejudiced Slytherins and then apologize."

"What did they want?" Remus asked, shifting closer into Sirius's body, who did not remove his arm. It had been over a week since Remus had allowed him to be this close. After Sirius had offered to kiss him, Moony had not allowed himself to be left alone in Sirius's company at all.

"Oh, er, to give me a reminder," Sirius answered distractedly, mind now unable to focus on anything other than the kiss they had nearly shared. That was another problem—ever since he had made the offer and been turned down, he could not stop thinking about it. He seemed unable to stop wondering what it would actually be like, to kiss Remus, which was strange. Why was he wondering so often what it would be like to kiss one of his best friends? And why had he even offered in the first place?

The offer had been made impulsively, but Remus had just looked so unbearably forlorn as he spoke about how nobody would ever want him. It had made Sirius want to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, maybe shout all of Moony's good traits right in his face. He could not imagine and refused to believe that nobody wanted Remus. It was clearly only because of Moony's own hesitation and timidity that he had remained single for so long.

But Remus had said no, and, if Sirius was being honest with himself, it had really upset him that Moony had turned him down. Why didn't he want to kiss Sirius? Remus was gay and Sirius was a good-looking bloke. What was the problem? Was there something wrong with him? Did gay blokes not fancy him? How could gay blokes not fancy him? He was extremely fanciable.

"Are you all right?" A pale hand touched him gently on the shoulder and Sirius blinked, realizing they had reached the Common Room entrance.

"I'm fine," he said automatically, attempting to shake off all thoughts of kissing Remus.

The hand on his shoulder disappeared as Remus gave the Fat Lady the password and the portrait swung open. They climbed through the entrance and into the dimly-lit Common Room. It was quiet and empty, shrouded in long shadows cast by the orange glow of the dying fire.

"Well," Remus began, "er, good night, then, yeah?" He took two steps toward the dorms when Sirius reached out to stop him.

"Wait," he said as he turned Remus back around to face him. "I haven't thanked you yet for rescuing me."

The room was dark, but Sirius could still make out the perfect bow-shape of Remus's mouth. How had he never noticed what pretty lips Remus had? They were so full and soft-looking; how could Remus have never been kissed before?

"You don't need to, really," Remus ducked his head, and even in the dim light, Sirius could see the blush spreading across his face. "You would have done the same thing for me, as well."

"True," Sirius agreed. "But what if I _want_ to thank you?" He stepped closer, until the fronts of their robes were nearly brushing.

"I suppose I can't stop you, then," Remus breathed.

A smile spread across Sirius's face as he slid both hands along Remus's shoulders and up the sides of his neck to hold his head in place as he looked him in the eye very seriously. "Thank you, Moony," he said softly. "Sometimes I truly don't know what I would do without you."

"You're welcome," Remus replied just as quietly.

Neither boy moved. Instead, Sirius began playing with the curls falling so gently, almost delicately, around Remus's face. What would it be like if he were to lean forward just the slightest bit?

"Padfoot…" Remus whispered in a somewhat strangled voice.

"Can I thank you, Moons?" Sirius murmured, shifting his weight closer.

"You just did," Remus said in a confused voice, frown evident in his tone.

"Well, if it's not words you want, then I'll just have to think of some other way to express my gratitude, won't I?"

And before Remus could turn him down again, Sirius bent his head forward and pressed his mouth firmly to Moony's. For a moment he seemed surprised, but then hesitantly molded his lips around Sirius's own, who cupped the other boy's face between his hands as he gently kissed him.

"Sirius…" Remus whispered against his mouth.

Pulling back slightly, Sirius looked him in the eye. "Just enjoy your first kiss, Remus. Let your mind take a break for just a minute, yeah?"

Several emotions crossed Remus's face and he looked conflicted for a moment, but then he nodded. "Okay."

Smiling, Sirius leaned forward to kiss him again. This time there was no hesitation in Remus's movements as he raised his arms to wrap them around Sirius's torso and pull him closer. In response, Sirius buried both hands in the other teen's thick curls, tilting his head slightly to deepen the kiss. Moony let out a small whimper as Sirius sucked on his bottom lip for a moment before his tongue found its way between Remus's lips and then they were properly kissing.

And Sirius had never felt anything like it.

Remus's lips were so soft, so perfectly beautifully soft as he sighed into Sirius's mouth and returned every touch. Never before had Sirius been kissed so tenderly, almost disbelievingly, as if Remus was not actually sure it was really happening.

But as it continued, Sirius felt his body beginning to whisper to him, urging him to speed up the kiss and maybe remove his hands from Moony's hair to place them on more pleasant parts of his body, like the firm chest Sirius could feel against his own, but he forced himself to keep everything slow and gentle. It was Remus's first kiss, and Sirius wanted it to be special and perfect for him. Remus deserved a perfect first kiss, and Sirius wanted more than anything to be the one to give it to him.

Eventually, however, he began to grow light-headed, both from the lack of oxygen and the surprisingly dizzying effect of kissing Remus. Panting slightly, he pulled back to stare the other boy in the eye.

"Thank you, Remus," he murmured simply before untangling his fingers from Moony's hair. He pressed one final kiss to Remus's lips before stepping back completely to survey the boy in front of him. Remus was standing completely still, a dazed look on his face, eyes half lidded and lips still puckered slightly.

At the sight, a flash of heat swept through Sirius and he had to fight against the urge to step back into Moony's embrace and kiss him to within an inch of his life. Merlin, but how he wanted to in that moment.

The thought surprised him and he had no idea what to make of it.

"Good night," said Sirius, struck with the simultaneous temptations to both snog Moony senseless and flee from the room, and compromised for both by leaning in to press a kiss to the other boy's cheek. "I'll see you in the morning."

And before he could do anything stupid, like shove Remus to the floor and have his way with him, Sirius hurried up the stairs to the sixth-year boys' dorm, not slowing his pace until he was in his bed with the curtains drawn safely around him.

His heart began to pound wildly as he thought back over the last few minutes. That kiss had been spectacular. Amazing. The kind of kiss that romance novelists wrote about, and the readers of romance novelists dreamed of sharing. It had been everything he had always hoped and expected a kiss to be before he had actually kissed a girl for the first time and discovered that seeing fireworks was not a literal expression for a first kiss.

But the kiss he had just experienced…

It had been absolutely perfect.

Flopping over onto his stomach, Sirius buried his face in his pillow and groaned loudly. He had just shared the best kiss of his life with his male best friend.

 _What the fuck_?

oOo

 _There was growling, pain…there was a ripping noise and the smell of blood…he heard himself crying and could not stop the sound, just as he could not stop the bone-numbing fear freezing him into place as amber eyes glared into his own—terrifying, cold, and lifeless…he felt a heavy weight on his chest and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't breathe…he could not draw a single breath and he began to panic as the growling grew louder…_

"Remus!"

With a start, Remus jerked upright, panting heavily and clutching at his chest as he struggled to draw in breath after shuddering breath. Blinking back salty tears, his eyes slowly focused on the familiar silhouette looking down on him that he would recognize anywhere.

"Sirius," he rasped between quick breaths.

As he attempted to slow his breathing, he stared down at his lap and tried to forget the dream. But he could still feel Greyback on top of him, looming over him, smothering him with his weight; could still hear the snarling echoes of the horrifying creature as he growled and snapped his teeth. The racing of his heart had not slowed and Remus was beginning to feel lightheaded.

Slipping between the curtains, Sirius slid into the bed next to Remus and wrapped his arms around the shaking boy, pulling him into his chest and tucking Remus's head snugly beneath the brunet's chin.

"Shhh, it's okay, Moony," he murmured softly as he stroked Remus's back in comfort. "It's okay, you're okay. Everything's fine, you're with me, you're safe. It's okay, I promise. You're safe, Remus, I promise."

He began to calm and his heart rate began to slow as he laid his head on Sirius's shoulder, slowly relaxing as he breathed in the warm scent of the other boy's throat. Would the nightmares ever end? Was he doomed to being haunted forever? Would a tiny part of him always be terrified of falling asleep? Would the same part of him forever fear the dark?

Sirius had trailed off into silence, holding Remus to him tightly and rocking them both. The quiet was soothing, the rocking was comforting, and Remus felt content enough to fall back asleep. But he refused to; he would not allow himself to miss any part of being held by Sirius so securely, like a lover, almost.

Eventually, however, Sirius shifted slightly and raised a hand to brush the hair from Remus's face.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a soft voice.

"Yeah," Remus responded in a whisper. "I'm sorry for waking you."

His chin was suddenly grasped between two fingers and tilted up until he was meeting Sirius's somber gaze with his own.

"You don't ever need to apologize for having nightmares, Moony," said Sirius. "I'm glad that I woke up and I'm glad that I can be here to help you through it afterwards."

"I'm glad you're here, too," Remus replied quietly.

"I wish I could make them stop," Sirius admitted in a sad voice. "I would do anything to make the nightmares stop, Remus."

"You being here helps more than anything else."

"Maybe I'll just have to always be here then," he joked.

"In my bed, you mean?" Remus asked in an amused voice, but the humor was forgotten as he felt Sirius stiffen.

And suddenly, the memory of the kiss they had shared only two nights prior flooded into his mind—the kiss that had changed Remus's life. It had been more perfect than he could ever imagine—and he had certainly imagined. He had imagined thousands of times what it would be like to kiss Sirius but never had he ever dared allow himself to actually believe it could be possible. Even as it had been happening a large part of him had refused to accept that it was the reality.

After Sirius had gone up to bed, Remus had sunk down into one of the armchairs in a daze, one trembling hand raised to his mouth in shock; he could still feel Sirius against his lips and taste him on his tongue. Had Sirius Black really just kissed him?

A tiny smile had spread across his face just before a single teardrop fell.

He was able to make it up the stairs and into the dorm, pausing to cast a silencing spell around his bed as he ducked behind the dark protection of his curtains before the tears began to fall in earnest. How could he have allowed that to happen? How could he have given in like that? He had been allowed one perfect moment, and would now be tormented by the memory forever. It would never happen again, and Remus would be left forever pining even more after what he had so foolishly allowed himself a taste of.

Sirius would never be his.

The mattress creaked and Remus was suddenly returned to the moment, noticing that both he and Sirius were frozen, still locked in each other's arms, but holding their bodies stiffly.

Did Sirius regret the kiss? Was that why he had been rooted into place at the reminder?

Not wanting to make Sirius any more uncomfortable than he had clearly already been made to feel, Remus broke free of the wooden embrace, scooting backwards on the mattress. As he pulled himself from Sirius's arms, he felt a sharp pain in his chest, as if losing contact with Sirius had torn something deep inside him.

"Moony…"

"It's okay," Remus whispered, grateful for the darkness that hid the hurt he knew was showing on his face. "I'm fine, Pads, you can go back to bed. To your own bed," he corrected, flushing.

"…Remus…"

"Really, Sirius," said Remus in a firm voice. "I'm fine. Believe me when I say, these nightmares are nothing new. You said it yourself: I'm okay."

"I…um…all right, then, I guess," Sirius said quietly. "Are—are you sure you're okay?"

"Of course I'm okay,"—how would he ever be okay if Sirius was leaving?—"I'm fine and I don't need you here anymore, Pads,"—had he ever spoken such lies before?

"Okay. Um, guess I'll see you in the morning then, yeah?"

"Sure."

As Sirius slipped from the bed and Remus was once again left alone in the darkness, he felt a hollow pang echo through his chest and, to his eternal surprise and everlasting shame, he also felt somewhere deep within him the strong urge to howl at the waning moon.

oOo

With a heavy thud, a steaming tankard of butterbeer was placed on the table directly in front of Sirius. Grinning handsomely, he turned to look up at the woman standing over him.

"A million thank you's, Madam Rosmerta, my darling, my angel, mine!" Sirius exclaimed, reaching out to grasp her hand and press a kiss to the back of it. "I eagerly await the day to arrive when we both awaken, say 'sod it all!' and run away together. Is perhaps today that dreamt of day, my love?" The question was accompanied by a dazzling smile.

With a laugh, she removed her hand from his grasp to pat his cheek lightly. "Sirius Black, you are absolutely terrible."

"But terrible in an irresistible sort of way, yes?" Sirius smiled wider.

"You, young man," she said with a knowing look, "are the worst kind of trouble—the charming kind."

"But my charm is the reason you're so smitten with me!" Sirius tilted his head, allowing his hair to fall gracefully into his eyes at an angle and causing Madam Rosmerta to laugh again.

"Like I said," she shook her head with a grin, "the most dangerous kind of trouble. I'm not sure I can even imagine the sort of devastation you must cause. You're quite the heartbreaker, aren't you?"

"I would never break your heart!" Sirius declared hotly, lips twitching. James sat next to him, chuckling into his own foaming butterbeer.

"You couldn't if you tried," she smirked, placing one hand on her hip as she surveyed him. "I'm onto you, lad. Believe me when I tell you, I've got your number."

"She doesn't trust me, Prongs," Sirius said sadly, turning to face James for a moment before turning back to Madam Rosmerta with a determined expression. "I'll prove myself to you yet and earn your trust," Sirius vowed, placing one hand over his heart as if in promise. "Be prepared to be carried off into the sunset at any moment, my dearest!"

"Why is it," James interrupted in an amused voice, directing his words to Sirius, "that we can never step foot in here without you making a fool of yourself?"

"Professing my love to my one and only is hardly making a fool of myself!" Sirius said indignantly, before turning to Madam Rosmerta with an earnest expression. "Am I right, my beloved Rosmerta, thou who art like the sun and the heavens to me?"

Throwing back her head, she laughed loudly. "Oh good lord," she chortled, "all the hearts I can hear shattering all over Hogwarts. You filthy shameless charmer, you. Time to leave me be and let me work now, you troublesome flirt."

"For now, my love," Sirius sighed. "Until, as I mentioned earlier, the day comes when I sweep you off your lovely feet and whisk you away into the eternal sunset of our own poetic romance."

With nothing but a shake of her head and another loud laugh, Madam Rosmerta turned and began winding her way between tables back up to the long bar.

"She's right, you know," said James, "you are shameless."

"Oh, like you're one to talk," Sirius retaliated lightly, sipping at his butterbeer. "Stalked Evans much lately?"

"I'm taking the weekend off," James grinned.

"She must be enjoying the break."

Still smiling, James shook his head. "I'm just giving her time to miss me, is all."

"I'd imagine she'd need quite a bit of time."

"Oh, she misses me," James insisted, "even if I'm the only one who actually knows it."

"The relationship the two of you share really is inspiring," Sirius said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "You're just like that one famous Muggle couple…you know, the ones who loved each other too much to live and killed themselves after faking their deaths, or something?"

James shrugged. "If you're saying that I would give my life for my true love, she who is Lily Evans, then I would say to you, the comparison is accurate. But," he fixed Sirius with a stern look, "my relationship with her is not doomed to end in tragedy."

"Course not, mate," Sirius grinned, "Not if she won't even agree to a first date."

"I'm choosing to stay positive about it all, you prat," James mirrored the grin before turning his attention back to his butterbeer.

"So when are Moony and Wormtail getting here?" James asked suddenly, lowering his tankard to the table with a heavy clunk.

"Er, I dunno," said Sirius uncomfortably. "Did you tell them to meet us here?"

"No, I thought you did," said James in surprise. "Remember when we were talking about going to Hogsmeade, and I told you to tell Moony and Wormtail to come with us? I had just assumed they were meeting up with us later. Why didn't you tell them?"

Fidgeting uneasily, Sirius shrugged. "I must've forgotten, sorry," he lied. He sipped at his butterbeer to avoid looking at James. Why had he chosen not to tell the other two about going to Hogsmeade?

Attempting to ignore the answer that his mind refused to allow him to, he began squirming around in his chair. He knew the reason why. Ever since that kiss he had shared with Remus, things had been different between the two of them. Remus would tend to avoid Sirius's eye, and Sirius would tend to avoid Remus.

It wasn't that he didn't want to be around Remus; it was just that, lately, being around Remus made Sirius's head spin. He wasn't sure what to think anymore when he looked at his best friend. Every time he looked at the other boy, all he could think of was the kiss that they had shared, the one that Sirius had impulsively initiated. And he still wasn't sure why. Had it actually been driven out of impulsiveness? After all, Sirius did normally tend to act on his frequent spontaneity. Was this another of those countless times? Or were there other unknown reasons behind it?

Maybe the real reason was that he had been unable to accept the rejection of a kiss the first time he had offered. He had never ever been turned down for one before, and maybe a—very loud—part of him had been unable to accept it.

Maybe it had been initiated entirely out of gratitude. Remus had saved him, after all, and he had only wanted to thank the boy. And he had chosen to express that gratitude by trying to give Remus the one thing he so clearly craved and had yet to experience.

He had only wanted to make sure that Remus's first kiss was special, beautiful. He had wanted it to be perfect for Remus; he had not even thought about how perfect he himself might have seen it.

And it had been perfect.

Never before had Sirius shared a kiss that he felt so strongly, so deeply; never before had he shared a kiss that he felt all the way down in his bones, making them tingle and thrill. He had even dreamt of the kiss more than once in the week that had passed since. More than anything, he wanted to experience it again.

But it was Remus. How could he, when it was Remus?

But he could hardly just continue to avoid the other boy like he had been doing. He did not want to lose Remus from his life like that. But he seemed completely unable to stop thinking about that kiss.

"How did you just forget to tell them?" James's voice cut through the haze of confusion enveloping Sirius.

"Er…" Sirius shrugged. "I had a couple detentions, and I've been busy, and stuff." He shifted uncomfortably. What was he supposed to say? _I couldn't tell Remus because of the mind-shattering kiss we shared a week ago, and I couldn't invite Peter and not Remus because then it would look like I'm going out of my way to avoid Remus, when really I'm just trying to stop thinking about how badly I want to grab him and kiss him again?_

Groaning internally, Sirius slumped in his chair. There was no way around it.

He was doomed.

* * *

And that concludes chapter three! Any thoughts, comments, questions? Maybe any concerns, confessions, or small talk? I'm dying to hear from you, internet :)


	4. IV

See chapter 1 for warnings

* * *

 **TO RIVAL THE SUN**

 **IV**

His head felt tingly. Remus could feel all the blood rushing into his skull from the position he lay in on his bed in the empty dorm. His head lay at the foot of the mattress, hanging over the edge and causing his curls to sway limply in the air every time he shifted. His long body was stretched flat along the narrow bed from where he was lying on his back staring at the ceiling, arms hanging near his ears and fingertips grazing the floor. A book was lying open on his chest, one he had been attempting to read but had finally been forced to give up on. For the past week, he had been entirely unable to focus on text—or anything at all, really.

Anything, that was, that did not include thoughts of Sirius Black and the silky feel of his perfect velvet lips. The same pair of lips that Remus had dreamt of every night since feeling them covering his own. He had never imagined that kissing anyone could make him feel so…free. Was free the word he was searching for? Unburdened, maybe, might closer describe the feeling.

When Sirius had kissed him, Remus had felt so light, almost as though instead of a werewolf buried deep inside the core of his being, something with wings was taking shape within and lifting him from his weary feet, making him soar and for the first time in twelve years feel _free._ So liberated and weightless that he was worried he would not know what to do with himself.

Remus had completely forgotten the feeling. He had completely forgotten what it felt like to not be weighed down beneath the burden of his own self-loathing; he had forgotten what it felt like to actually feel human.

And now here he was, a week later, feet once more solidly attached to the earth with heavy chains forged from the chill of Sirius's obvious rejection.

Although, what else Remus had been expecting, he honestly was not sure. Of course Sirius had rejected him; the kiss had never been anything but pitying. It had been a mercy kiss driven out of friendship and some bizarre sense of gratitude that Sirius had felt toward Remus for showing up on time to stop Lestrange from doing anything. It had never been intended to be anything more than a one-time thing. After all, Sirius was straight, and Remus was an idiot.

One condemned to be chained to the earth forever.

The only person who had ever truly noticed him, ever really seen him, no longer wanted to be anywhere near him. Sirius had not allowed himself to be alone with Remus since the kiss. He refused to look Remus in the eye for longer than a second, and would not even so much as sit next to the curly-haired teen, as though putting more distance between the two of them would help him forget what had happened; what he obviously wished he could take back.

With a sigh, Remus shook his head and felt all the blood that had pooled and collected in his skull slosh around. Feeling dizzy and light-headed, he considered sitting up but decided against it with another sigh. What did it matter if he was uncomfortable anyway?

Suddenly, with a sound that made him jerk upright and dislodge the book from his chest with a crash, the door of the dorm was thrown open without warning and a loud voice was speaking, filling the silent room and effectively startling Remus.

"—fucking negative all the time, hmm?"

"Just my honest opinion of the situation, Pads," James said in an amused tone. "As your best friend, it's my job to tell you exactly how and when you make a fool of yourself, and mate, you make a definite fool of yourself every time we go in."

"Oh, I do not!" Sirius countered good-humoredly but immediately stopped short at the sight of Remus, half sitting up in bed and face flushed red from the amount of blood that had been collecting in his cranium.

"Er, hi," Remus said awkwardly, eyes flicking between the two of them. Where had they been? He had been unable to find either of them all day.

"Moony! There you are!" James said in a delighted voice. "We were looking for you at Hogsmeade! Well, one of us was, at least," he cast Sirius an exasperated look, "and the other one of us is an idiot and forgot to invite you in the first place."

"I got busy with detentions and stuff," Sirius mumbled uncomfortably, shifting his weight between his feet. "It just slipped my mind, is all. Sorry."

"S'okay," Remus said in a soft voice, insides beginning to feel numb. They had gone to Hogsmeade without him? They had never, to Remus's knowledge, deliberately gone to the village without him. The kiss really had changed everything, hadn't it? It had changed their entire friendship. Obviously, Sirius no longer wanted to be around him.

"We'll all have to go next Saturday," James continued, beginning to look through the shopping bags he was carrying. "I need to go back anyway, I didn't have enough gold on me for everything I needed."

"That's the day after the full moon," Remus reminded him quietly. All of the Marauders knew that the day after the full moon was always spent recuperating. He would hardly feel up to trudging around the village for hours on end.

With a prickling awareness, he could feel Sirius's eyes on him, but he was terrified of looking over at the dark-haired boy, scared of what he might see lurking in the depths of that gaze.

"Oh, right, shit." James' face fell. "That's fine," he said as he returned his attention to the bag, "I can wait to go back to Hogsmeade. Damn, I had completely forgotten the full moon was this week."

Unsure of how to respond, Remus nodded and lay back down. He did not want to have to keep avoiding looking in Sirius's direction. Instead, he stretched out on his back and stared up at the dark canopy above him. Did Sirius no longer want him in his life? Was this the end of the Marauders? Was it the end of Remus having friends? Did he no longer have any place he belonged?

The silence felt stinging and sharp, and Remus fought the urge to squirm uncomfortably.

"What, uh…" he cleared his throat as he attempted to think of something, anything, to say. "What were the two of you talking about when you came in?"

"Nothing," Sirius answered quickly, but James laughed over him.

"I was mocking Padfoot here for his flirting techniques. Madam Rosmerta turned him down _again_. I think it's good for you," James clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "Keeps your conceit down to its usual exaggerated levels."

"Oh, fuck off," Sirius responded without any heat.

"I can't imagine why she keeps turning you down," James said sarcastically. "You really should have heard him this time, Moony. I think my favorite line was 'Rosmerta, thou who art like the sun and the heavens to me'," he crooned mockingly before chuckling and resuming rummaging through the various shopping bags. Several seconds later, he emerged with a triumphant grin. "Anyway, I've got to run along now. I have a green-eyed goddess to track down, whom I just may or may not happen to have purchased a little something for. Wish me luck, boys!" And with that, he turned and left the dorm, his sudden absence and the click of the door closing shut behind him drenching the room in a wave of silence so thick Remus could _taste_ it.

As the seconds turned into minutes and still neither of them spoke, he began fighting the urge to flee from the room. Was that it for him and Sirius? Was this the end of their friendship? Part of Remus had always expected any friendships he managed to gain to be temporary, but he had never dreamt that this was the way his would end with Sirius.

How could this have happened?

"Well," the single word cut through the silence and caused Remus to automatically turn toward the sound, to see Sirius standing near the door and fidgeting, appearing deeply uncomfortable. "I-I should go, too. I mean, I need to go, too. I have, you know…stuff. That I have to do. And everything. So, um, yeah, I guess I'll just, you know, go, then, now, okay?"

"Um, okay," Remus said awkwardly, unsure of whether or not Sirius's question had been rhetorical or if he was expected to answer.

Their eyes met for several seconds. Sirius's dark eyes were hooded and deep; Remus felt as if he could fall into them, lose himself in silver and be swept away in the unreadable intensity burning in that gaze. Without hesitation, he would have given himself over to those eyes; he felt as though he could stare into them forever.

But the next moment, Sirius had turned and left the room and all Remus felt was hollow.

"Right," he whispered hollowly to the empty air, "You just go then."

oOo

Biting his lip against the groan threatening to spill from his mouth, Sirius leaned against the door he had just shut on Remus and closed his eyes. Why had he just walked out like that? Why had he just _left_?

There had been silence, and distance, and an unease so thick it had nearly been tangible.

And Remus had looked so…

 _Bloody hot_ , was the first description his treacherous mind could come up with. When Sirius and James had first entered the room, expecting it to be empty, only to find Remus sprawled atop his bed, curls in disarray and face flushed crimson—god, and how Sirius longed to know the reason behind the bloom of color—he had been surprised, to say the least.

And then the surprise had melted to give way to rapture. Remus had looked so…arousing. And then, when he had laid back down on the bed—in what Sirius suspected was an attempt not to have to look at him—the way his too-small shirt had ridden up his slim abdomen as he stretched out, sliding higher and higher to reveal several inches of pale delectable flesh, cheeks still flushed such a delicate pink…Just thinking about it caused Sirius to shiver. His first reaction was a desire to sit and stare at Remus, watch until the scarlet faded from his cheeks, and maybe then cross the room and see what he could do to bring the blush back…

He shook himself.

Already he had far too many ideas on how to make Remus blush, and none of them would benefit him to think about. How could he be thinking those things about Remus? But he seemed so unable to stop himself. Swearing beneath his breath, Sirius allowed his head to fall back against the wood of the door. He was not supposed to be feeling those things! He was not supposed to lust after his best friend, especially when that friend was a boy! After all, Remus was supposed to be the gay one, not him!

What would Sirius's family think, if they knew? What would they say? What would his brother spread around the school? Regulus had always been spiteful, jealous, and competitive; always angry at Sirius for stealing the glory and spotlight by being the eldest and gaining all birthrights associated with being firstborn—but as far as Sirius was concerned, Regulus could fucking have them. He wanted no part of any of his family's horrid customs or outdated traditions.

But this was different. This would be him turning his back on his entire upbringing; on his entire family. Since birth he had been raised to view the world in a certain way, and while most of those lessons seemed not to have stuck—thank god—he had yet to do anything earning his outright dismissal from the family and permanent removal from the family tree. And being with Remus would be enough to earn both. Not only was Remus a boy, but he was a half-blood and a werewolf as well.

And while a large part of Sirius genuinely did not care what his family thought, or what narrow-minded pureblood supremacist rubbish views they spouted at him, they were still his family. What if they hated him? What if they rejected him? Sirius had witnessed on more than one occasion his mother blasting family members off of the large family tapestry he had been forced to study since early childhood. The very first lesson he had ever learned, had drilled into him at a young age, was that family was important above all else; the number one priority. He had never felt particularly close to any of them, but still. They were his blood; his kin. What if Lestrange had been right and they truly were all he would have left in the end? Would he be able to just turn his back on his upbringing so easily? Could his possible feelings for Remus trump all else? And what about the consequences that would follow?

Although he was ashamed to admit it, he was worried about what the rest of the school would say. He had always loved being noticed, always enjoyed basking in the spotlight, craved it even, most of the time. But he had never really had negative things said about him by the crowd. He had always been popular; always been well-liked. What if this changed things? What if it changed how everyone saw him? And more importantly, did it make him petty for caring?

But how could he not care what his peers thought of him?

On the other hand, at that current moment, what did Remus think of him?

As Moony's familiar face swam into his mind, he felt a sharp pang shoot through his chest. Could they ever regain the ease they had once felt around one another? Would they ever get back the friendship they had had before Sirius had messed it all up?

More than anything else, Sirius missed Remus.

He missed his quiet laugh and his soft murmur; he missed the sly sarcasm and the way Remus would toss the curls from his eyes. He missed hearing his name spoken from those lips and missed seeing the fond expression that would cross Remus's face every time he looked at Sirius. How could he get that back? Merlin, he wanted that back more than anything.

Maybe the solution was just to grab Remus, wrap himself around the slender boy, and snog the breath from him. That particular plan definitely had its appeal.

But what if Remus didn't want that? What if Sirius had only been an experiment? What if the entire time, Remus really had feelings for someone else, and had only taken Sirius up on his offer out of some sort of convenience or desire to practice?

What if Remus rejected him? Nobody had ever rejected him before; what if Remus was the first? What if it hurt?

After all, Remus had already turned him down once. If he had had any sort of prior feelings for Sirius, he never would have turned down the offer of a kiss in the first place, right?

And the second time it happened, Sirius had practically thrown himself at the other boy in some pathetic attempt to regain his pride at already having been turned down.

How could Sirius be expected to retain any sort of dignity if he put himself out there a third time, relinquished any delusion of invulnerability, admitted his terrifying and beyond confusing budding feelings, and Remus still turned him away? How could he possibly recover if that happened?

This was, to Sirius's knowledge, really the first time he had ever had any sort of _feelings_ for another person. The girls he had been with in the past he had all liked well enough, but none of them had really made him feel much of anything beyond the desire to see them naked. He had never even imagined opening himself up for one of them and confessing anything as vulnerable as _feelings._

Was that really what he had for Remus? Was this what it felt like to feel affection for another person? How could he be sure? How could he ever be sure?

He had always felt _something_ toward Remus. There had always been part of him that looked at Remus with a certain kind of affection, a particular fondness that he did not feel when looking at other people. There had always been a fierce need within him to protect and shield Remus, an urge that had initially driven him to befriend the shy boy.

Remus was just so kind, so impossibly beautifully gentle, so endearingly bashful and painfully insecure that Sirius could not help but feel protective of him. Just the thought of anybody hurting or upsetting Remus was enough to send him into a fury.

…But what if Sirius was now the one upsetting him? What if Sirius was now the one hurting him?

Sirius frowned. Of course he was hurting Remus; Sirius had been avoiding him for days. He had, only minutes earlier, fled his company when left alone with the other boy. How could Remus not be hurt by that? How could Sirius do to that to _Remus_? How could he knowingly hurt the kindest person he had ever known? How could he allow himself to become such a coward? Was he a Gryffindor or not, goddamnit? And yet here he was, shaming the proud history of his entire house by acting as despicably craven as a Slytherin.

Well, the rest of the school and his family be damned—he would not allow himself to continue acting this appallingly weak. He had never passed up an opportunity to prove the numerous differences between himself and the rest of his Slytherin family members, and Sirius was resolved to do so yet again, for Merlin's fucking sake.

But as he turned around with a determined expression on his face, the door before him suddenly looked wider and heavier than normal and his throat suddenly felt parched. He attempted to swallow and found that it did not relieve the dryness any. Would he even be able to form words? Would he be able to speak at all? Maybe he would only embarrass himself by storming back into the room, only to open his mouth and hear nothing but ugly rasping noises come out instead of pretty words.

What if Remus laughed at him?

With an audible gulp, Sirius whirled back around and began descending the staircase quickly, shoving his sweaty palms into the pockets of his cloak. Despite his normal pattern of behavior, he knew that spontaneity was not the right approach for this. No, he would work out something eloquent and romantic to say; something flowing and poetic that would sweep Remus off his feet and make it impossible for him to reject. Sirius needed to think his words through and he needed to be completely certain of his actions because more than anything, he needed to be honest with Remus.

He needed space to think.

He needed time.

oOo

"Remus? Hellloooooo?"

A pale hand was suddenly waving only centimeters from his face. Frowning, Remus blinked and shook his head. "What?"

With an exasperated sigh, Lily shut the thick book spread across the library table in front of her. "All right. Out with it."

"Out with what?" he asked in confusion.

"Out with whatever it is that has you looking the way you do," she explained, gesturing toward him as though that explained everything. "I don't know what's been going on, but for nearly the whole term you've been…off. Distracted. Like your mind is constantly somewhere else." Sitting up straighter, she fixed him with a stern expression. "So you tell me right now, Remus Lupin, who did what to you that has you looking like such a wounded puppy all the time so I can find them and give them the arse-kicking they so clearly deserve."

"I look like a wounded puppy?" The confusion had not left his voice and Lily gazed at him with a fond glint in her eye.

"A very manly wounded puppy," she nodded somberly, lips twitching.

"Well, obviously," his mouth turned up into a small smile.

"But honestly, Remus," her tone turned serious as she leaned forward in her seat, "What's going on? I can tell something's wrong." She paused hesitantly. "This wouldn't have anything to do with the way you've been avoiding your friends lately, would it?"

"I haven't been avoiding them," he lied automatically, wincing internally. Lily was far too intelligent not to notice the increased amount of time he had been spending in her presence, but he had been hoping she would tactfully continue to not comment on it. It now appeared that concern trumped tact.

"You have, too," she argued, casting some sort of muffled silencing charm around them. "I was waiting for you to speak to me about it on your own, but then I remembered who you were and that that was hardly going to happen. So I decided instead to make you talk, and believe me," her eyes narrowed, "I will make you talk one way or another."

Fiddling with a corner of the page he had been attempting to read before Lily's concern had kicked in, he shrugged. "It's nothing," he said uneasily. How could he tell her what was going on? He could hardly tell her about his attraction to boys and his intense feelings for his best friend; and he could hardly ever tell her about the kiss that he had shared with Sirius, the one that had caused the other boy to practically cut Remus out of his life.

The same kiss that Remus both cherished and regretted more than anything.

"Lupin," she warned threateningly.

With a sigh, he looked up. "I don't know what to say, Lily, I…it's complicated."

"So?" she began stubbornly. "I'm a smart girl, I'm sure I'll be able to keep up." As Remus opened his mouth to argue, she hurried to speak over him. "And besides, it doesn't even matter if it makes sense or not. Clearly, you need to talk to someone about whatever it is that's wrong. And I'm here and I'm someone," she fixed him with a stern look that reminded him instantly of McGonagall. "So talk."

Fidgeting uncomfortably, he shrugged. "I-I don't even know where to begin, and I'm sure you don't want to actually hear about it all, and it's not even anything, really, I'm fine."

Sighing, she leaned closer to place a warm palm over the back of his hand. "Please just talk to me," she said softly, tone much gentler than the one she had been speaking in only moments ago. "I know that you like your privacy, Remus, but I really think that whatever's going on with you is something that you really do need to talk to someone about. And we _are_ friends, you know, and I really do care about you."

The moment her hand touched his he looked up, and as she fell silent he felt as though all he could do was stare. She cared about him? She cared about him enough to publically declare it where anybody could hear? Somebody outside of the Marauders cared about him? He had known that he and Lily were friends, of course, but it was surprising all the same to hear it spoken aloud so intently. Had anybody other than Sirius ever told him in those words that they cared about him?

He honestly was not sure.

"I-I know we're friends," he stammered and immediately dropped his eyes. "I want to tell you, Lily, I _do_ , but I don't even know how, and I don't want it to change how you see me or anything, and besides, I know I really—"

"Wait," she interrupted, raising one hand palm out to halt his words. "You think whatever it is will change how I see you? You think you're hiding some part of yourself that would make me hate you? Remus Lupin!" At the sudden angry tone to her voice, Remus startled before lowering his head and shifting guiltily. Why was he constantly upsetting his friends?

But the next second, Lily had crossed around the table to take the seat next to him and pull him into a gentle hug. "I'm sorry for sounding angry," she murmured. "But really, I am angry." She pulled back to fix him with the same stern expression from earlier. "Do you remember the part of the conversation where I said we were friends and I care about you? I'm not going to hate you Remus, for anything. You're too smart to be an idiot, so please don't start."

"I'm really trying not to be," he joked softly.

With a smile, Lily released him completely. "So are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"I—well, I mean, I-I, it's just that it, um…" he trailed off unsurely and avoided looking in her direction.

"Why don't you start by telling me which one of your friends it's about?" she suggested.

"How do you know it's about only one of them?" Remus stalled, fighting the urge to squirm.

Lily fixed him with an exasperated sort of look that clearly said _We were just about to get somewhere, stop evading the subject._

"How do you even know that _I'm_ avoiding _them?"_ he stalled again. "Maybe _they're_ avoiding _me_."

"Oh, they are not," Lily argued immediately. "I know that you are the one avoiding them, Remus John Lupin, so just tell me already."

Taking a deep breath and deciding surrender might be the better—and quite possibly safer—option, Remus nodded. "Well," he began quietly, "It all started a while ago, really. Um, I don't really know where to begin…but I s'pose I really noticed it starting around the time that…" As his words slowed before trailing off unexpectedly, Lily reached out one hand to shake his shoulder lightly.

"Oh, come on!" She shook harder upon receiving no response. "Remus! You were just starting to talk! What happened?"

But his eyes were fixed on a spot over her shoulder, where three familiar Gryffindors were beginning to unpack their belongings onto a table not too far from the one he was seated at with Lily.

"I…I should go," he said slowly. He felt somewhat dazed, although he wasn't sure why he was so surprised to see the other Marauders in the library. But were they there to study? Or had they followed him there?

Although, he mused, it was entirely possible that James had actually followed Lily there instead.

Shaking off his daze somewhat, he suddenly remembered Lily and looked over to find her peering over her shoulder with a frown. Sighing heavily, she turned to stare at Remus. "Which one of us do you think they followed?" she asked dryly, pulling a quiet chuckle from him.

"I was just wondering that myself," he admitted.

"Well," Lily said seriously, "it doesn't matter. They're all the way over there and they can't hear us and we're still going to talk. Unless you'd rather go somewhere else? We could go back to the common room or something, or we could take a walk," she suggested.

But before he could respond, it happened. As he stared past Lily in the direction of his friends, Sirius glanced up directly into Remus's eyes. Even from across the room, Remus could see surprise flash across the other boy's face, as well as another sort of nameless emotion that he could not decipher before the gaze was suddenly gone as Sirius turned away.

Sirius turned away.

Remus blinked. Sirius had turned away. For the first time ever in their friendship, Sirius had refused to acknowledge him.

A painful burning ignited somewhere deep in Remus's chest, and he suddenly felt far too close to tears to be anywhere around people. With a mumbled, "I'll see you later," he grabbed his bag from the floor and fled the library, exiting the long way to avoid having to walk past the table his friends—past tense?—were seated at. Was Lily now the only friend he had left? Sirius could not even look him in the eye, and he all but ran away every time Remus came even remotely near. Why did Sirius now seem to hate him so much?

An icy feeling of dread suddenly washed over him, freezing him into place. Was it possible that Sirius had sensed the desperate love Remus harbored for him hidden within the kiss, and was now uncomfortable being around the curly-haired boy?

Oh god, that was it. He knew. Sirius _knew._

He knew just how sad and pathetic Remus truly was, pining after his best friend for years, dreaming about him for years, aching for his affections for _years_.

And now he knew and now he was terrified of being near Remus. In fact, just knowing that Remus was in the same enormous castle as Sirius was probably enough to make him uncomfortable. He wouldn't be surprised if Sirius had already spoken to Dumbledore to have Remus removed from the dorm. He was a gay sodding werewolf, for Merlin's sake, he never should have been allowed in there in the first place.

In fact, perhaps Remus should speak to Dumbledore about getting himself moved from the dorm. The last thing he wanted to do was cause Sirius any more discomfort.

With a cold trickle, a single teardrop fell to slide along the entire length of Remus's cheek. It seemed to perfectly match the sharp, icy pain slithering down his throat and spreading through his whole body. Did Sirius now regret everything? Every word, every touch, every moment he had ever spent in Remus's company? Did he regret ever befriending the shy boy in the first place?

Ducking into an empty classroom, Remus locked the door and cast a privacy ward before sinking to the floor and succumbing to the tears threatening to burst.

He had destroyed everything.

oOo

"Oi! Black!" a shrill voice echoed loudly behind Sirius, and he turned to find an angry face framed by brassy sheets of copper hair approaching. Next to him, James immediately perked up as the angry teenage girl stopped a short distance away to cross her arms and survey the three of them coolly.

"Good afternoon, Evans," he said pleasantly, either not noticing or not bothered by her obvious upset.

"Not now, Potter," she said dangerously. "I need to speak to Black."

"Sirius?" James asked, sounding lost. "Why would you want to speak to Sirius when your true love is standing here before you ready to sweep you from your feet with poetic declarations of my undying affection for you?"

Gritting her teeth, she turned her glare onto James. "I said not now, Potter. If you really want to do something to prove your 'undying affection' for me, then do me the favor of fucking off so I can speak to your mate here alone."

Frowning, James appeared torn between granting Evans her request and yet being unwilling to leave her presence. After several moments, he sighed. "Very well, then, Lily, my love, I shall indeed be a gentleman and fuck off. Pete," he turned to the shorter boy, "come along. _We're_ not wanted." Turning, he strode off casually, followed closely by Peter, who was shooting curious looks between the two Gryffindors left behind.

At their departure a silence descended on the corridor, one that Sirius kept waiting for Lily to break, but she seemed to be content for the moment with glaring.

"What?" He finally exploded, unable to take the strange frozen silence any longer.

"What did you do to him?" she asked flatly, leaning her weight onto her back foot as she stared without blinking. Her arms were still folded, her stance wide and menacing, and Sirius wondered if this was how criminals felt when being questioned.

"Do to whom?" he stalled uncomfortably, knowing full well who she was speaking about.

"You fucking know to whom, Sirius Black," she growled, taking a step closer.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," he lied, choosing denial over admittance. All he had to do was deny to his dying day. Denial had never failed him—much—before in the past.

Evan's green eyes flashed furiously. "I _know_ that you know exactly what I'm talking about, Sirius Black, so stop fucking lying to me!"

"How do you know _I'm_ the one doing something?" he stalled again. He had no desire to answer any of her questions, or face up to any of the guilt the words caused within him.

The angry look she gave him made his pulse pick up. "Because if it was Pettigrew, then he wouldn't need to avoid all three of you. And I know it's not Potter because Remus would have told me. I'm not an idiot! I know that something is wrong with him, and I know that you are a massive part of the reason, so I'm here to tell you to stop whatever it is right now, Sirius Black!"

"What does that mean? Is he okay?" Sirius instantly demanded. What exactly was wrong with Remus? What had he told—or not told—Lily?

"Of course he's not okay!" Lily exploded. "Which you would know if you would be willing to even look at him! I mean, Christ, you're actually having to ask other people how your best mate is doing!"

 _Ouch._ Sirius hung his head. He had no argument, no way to defend himself from the truth of Lily's words. He had done this. He had hurt Remus with his avoidance. God, Remus probably thought Sirius hated him. Or worse. Fear crept through Sirius's veins like icy fog. What if Remus thought that Sirius was disgusted by him? What if he thought that Sirius had been repulsed by the kiss and that _that_ was the real reason he was avoiding Moony?

 _Fuck_. Remus was already so insecure and self-doubting, and was already so upset over the fact that he was gay; this would undoubtedly set him back even further, make him feel even worse about himself. As if he needed any more reasons to hate himself or feel like an outcast.

"You're right," Sirius mumbled, glancing up at Evans, who appeared surprised by his easy concession.

"So what are you going to do about it, then?" she asked coolly, shaking off her surprise rather quickly.

"What…" Sirius hesitated. "What did he tell you?"

Sighing, Lily shrugged. "Nothing at all, of course. You know Remus."

"Yeah," Sirius said quietly.

Nobody spoke.

"I do intend to fix this, you know," said Sirius suddenly. "And not just cos you stormed up all menacing-like and cornered me. I've been intending to fix this, it's just…you know…complicated."

Lily stared at him curiously. "Would you tell me what it's about if I were to ask?" she wondered, but Sirius shook his head.

"It's not my place to tell," he said simply.

"Fair enough," she accepted with a small smile, but it vanished the next second. "Are you really intending to fix this? Because," she continued before he could respond, eyeing him with a fiercely stern expression, "Remus is my friend and I care about him, and I swear to god, Sirius Black, if you in any way hurt him or make him even more upset than he already is, I will not be held responsible for what I do to you!"

Both the words and her tone caused a shiver to pass through Sirius. "Has anyone ever told you that you're quite scary?"

Rolling her eyes, Lily said, "Yes, my sister. Plenty of times. Don't change the subject."

"I wasn't _changing_ it, I was merely pointing out that—"

"Sirius!"

"Sorry."

Crossing her arms, she raised both eyebrows at him.

Heaving a drawn-out sigh, Sirius copied her pose. "Of course I intend to fix this, Evans. I want everything resolved just as much as Remus does, and even more than you do. He's my best friend."

"Good," she nodded firmly, but her gaze had softened. "Find him then. Talk to him."

"Right," Sirius agreed.

Nobody moved.

"I meant right now!" Evans exhaled heavily in exasperation.

"Oh, right!" Sirius started to stroll forward in determination, only to stop after a dozen paces and turn back to face Lily with a confused expression. "Um…and where did you say he was again?"


	5. V

A/N: Before all you lovely humans read this, I would just like to remind everybody that the characters featured in this story are teenagers, with teenage melodrama and teenage mentalities. So please don't judge them too harshly, because whose first same-sex teen romance was not nauseatingly dramatic? Mine sure as fuck was, and so is theirs 😊 So everyone get ready for some hurt feelings, anger, and more than one misunderstanding.

* * *

 **TO RIVAL THE SUN**

 **V**

The library was quiet. Through the towering bookshelves overflowing with heavy texts, Remus could hear the soft rustle of pages being turned, an occasional scrape of a chair across the floor as a student shifted positions. The sound of his own breaths sounded loud in his ears from where he sat cross-legged on the floor, back resting against a shelf holding a dusty collection of tomes detailing the history of wizarding tax law.

Sighing, he turned the page and brought the book closer to his face, hoping that having the words nearer to him would help him concentrate more. His focus had been so off lately, and not even the confines of the library were helping to soothe the ache Remus could feel in his chest. He had always believed romance authors to be exaggerating the physical effects of a broken heart, but Remus knew better now. To his sorrow, he had learned just how wrong he had been as a child. He could _feel_ the hurt in his heart, a pained sort of throb, pulsing anguish through his veins with every thud.

Sirius did not want him, in any sort of sense. He certainly didn't want Remus in the romantic sense, and now he did not even want him in the friend sense, either.

What had Remus done wrong?

Sighing again, he set the book aside and closed his eyes. He knew exactly what he had done wrong. Kissing Sirius had been the biggest mistake of his life. It had driven his best friend away.

But even though Remus knew it to have been a mistake, a part of himself refused to regret it, no matter the consequences. That kiss had been the most perfect moment of his life, even if Sirius could now no longer stand to even look his direction. At least Remus would always have that memory, no matter how much it tore his insides up at times to think about.

Opening his eyes wearily, he began to gather his items back together. There was no hope of concentrating on the text he had been struggling to read for over an hour. Climbing to his feet, he began winding his way through the labyrinth of bookshelves, murmuring a very soft goodnight to Madam Pince, who favored him with a rare smile and a nod of her head.

The corridor seemed to stretch for miles before his worn shoes, and he wished that he was back in the comfort and dark safety of his own bed. With a sigh, he began the trek back, hoping that by the time he arrived at the Tower, the other three boys would already be asleep.

The sharp ringing of his footsteps as they clicked along the stone corridor sounded loud and strangely threatening to his ears. Twisted shadows seemed to creep higher and higher up the walls, and the further he walked, the more his neck prickled with the awareness of being followed. Gripping his wand tighter, he quickened his pace and wished uselessly that he had the Map in his possession.

A Trip Jinx hit him out of nowhere, knocking him to the ground and wrenching a startled cry of pain from between his lips. Snatching his wand from the cold floor of the corridor, his head snapped up at a familiar voice speaking his name.

"How clumsy of you, Lupin."

A slender teen with lank hair stood before him, leaning casually against the nearest wall. "Snape," Remus replied quietly with a frown. What the hell did Snape want?

"It used to be so rare to catch one of you four on your own," Snape drawled, shrugging off the wall to glide in slick, oily movements closer to Remus, who quickly climbed to his feet while fighting back a flush. Even the Slytherins had noticed the rift between Remus and the other Marauders?

"I'm sorry you have nothing better to do with your time than wait around for an opportunity," Remus replied, even as his heart started to beat faster. While he was in no way afraid of Severus Snape, he would just as soon avoid any sort of confrontation. He just wanted to go to bed.

"Why have you been spending so much time with Lily?"

The angry question was unexpected and all Remus could do was stare.

"Answer me," Snape said in a dangerous voice.

"You cornered me…" Remus felt slightly dazed and could only blink incredulously at the other boy, "just to scare me away from Lily because you think the two of us are involved and you're _jealous_?"

"Shut up, Lupin!" Snape growled, fists clenched.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Remus folded his arms, refusing to be cowed. "Would you rather I answer the original question or shut up?"

The glare he got in response was nearly vicious enough to make him want to step back.

"Answer the question," Snape grit out.

"What if I am dating Lily?" Remus asked quietly. "What are you going to do, hex me? Hex every single bloke Lily dates for the rest of her life? Until she what, either dies alone or gives in to you?"

"Just you," Snape spat. "Lily can— _date_ ," the word was ground out through clenched teeth, "whoever she wants. But not you. There's something wrong with you, Lupin, you're a freak! I know it, and I won't let it near Lily! Whatever is wrong with you, it stays the fuck away from her!"

Dark eyes glared into his own and Remus felt taken back. Snape was there to protect Lily from Remus because somehow the other boy had sensed how dangerous Remus really was? His heart began to pound and he felt suddenly faint. How much did Snape know? How much did he suspect? Oh god, had Remus finally been found out? Would the entire school now turn on him?

"Not that it's any of your business," Remus said in a low voice, attempting to hide the panic he could feel rushing through his veins, pumping through his limbs in frantic, dizzying surges, "But Lily and I aren't dating." He fixed the greasy-haired boy with a hard look. "Even if we were, though, it wouldn't be up to you. Her life is not up to you." His voice turned sad. "I'm sorry she doesn't want you, Severus."

Snape's eyes flashed and his face twisted into an ugly grimace at the words. Opening his mouth, he began to cast an unknown spell before he was suddenly interrupted. " _Sectum—"_

"Expelliarmus!"

The wand was torn from Snape's grasp, soaring several yards away and straight into the waiting palm of Sirius Black. The dark-haired boy began to stalk forward, eyes furious. The angry march did not stop until he had reached Remus's side. "Snivellus," he sneered, gaze narrowed in disgust. "For your sake, I hope my eyes were lying to me just then and that I did not actually see you try to attack Remus." As he spoke, he placed a hand on Remus's shoulder, squeezing once in comfort.

At the small touch, Remus felt as if he might just burst with sudden happiness and fought the smile that threatened to break across his face. Sirius was there. Sirius had just defended him. Sirius was standing beside him looking murderously angry at the thought of Snape attacking him. Was it not too late for them, after all? Was it maybe possible that Sirius didn't actually hate Remus as much as he had thought?

"This is none of your business, Black!" Snape snapped.

"That's my best mate you just tried to hex," Sirius said quietly. "Of course it's my fucking business."

"This is between me and him! It doesn't concern you!"

"Do you not know how friendship works?" Sirius asked, raising a single eyebrow at him. "I mean, I know that last term you alienated the only real friend that you've ever had in your entire life, so I suppose you don't. For the sake of argument, though, let's just agree that I've involved myself in this private conversation of yours."

Snape stiffened. "Fuck you, Black," he snarled, taking a step forward.

Sirius's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Urgh, no thank you. Petrificus Totalus!" And with that, Snape's body snapped straight as a board before falling over backwards to land on the stone floor with a loud, painful-sounding thump. With a pleased little smile turning up the corners of his mouth, Sirius strolled casually over to the frozen boy. "What should we do with him, then, do you think?"

It took Remus a moment to realize that Sirius was speaking to him. "Oh, er, um, I dunno?"

The smile stretched wider across Sirius's face. With several flicks of his wand, a nearby door swung open and Snape was levitated into the cobwebbed broom cupboard. Sirius tossed the other boy's wand away, landing somewhere down the dark hallway, before shutting and locking the tiny, cramped cupboard. The door clicked shut, throwing the corridor into an unnatural silence.

Now that it was just the two of them, neither boy seemed willing to speak. Finally, though, after long seconds that felt like entire eternities, Sirius stepped forward. "Come on," he tugged lightly on Remus's hand. "Come with me."

"Why?" Remus couldn't help but ask.

"To talk," was the simple reply. He was led down the corridor and into an empty classroom. The room was mostly dark and Remus was grateful for it, feeling much more at ease in the shadows than if he had been asked to face Sirius in the bright light of day where he could not hide.

Sirius bit his lip nervously as he shifted his weight between feet. "I've missed you," he blurted suddenly. None of the words were anything close to what Remus had been expecting to hear and he could only stare.

"You—you have?" he asked hesitantly, convinced that he had just misheard.

"Of course I have!" Sirius said immediately. "How could I…Remus, you're my best friend, and we've barely seen each other at all lately! Of course I've missed you!"

Keeping his eyes fixed on the floor, Remus shrugged. "I didn't think you still wanted to be friends."

There was no response, and Remus risked a glance up to find Sirius frowning at him, brow furrowed in displeasure.

"Sorry," Remus said automatically, unsure of just what it was he was apologizing for.

Sirius's eyebrows rose dramatically. "What are you apologizing to _me_ for?"

Shrugging uncomfortably, Remus twisted his fingers together into knots, anything to avoid looking in the other boy's direction. "I dunno, for being gay and being pathetic enough to make you pity me and offer to kiss me, and making things awkward between us, and being the reason we're not friends anymore, I s'pose?"

The only response he got for nearly a full minute was the strange, wide-eyed expression on Sirius's face. Finally, his jaw seemed to unlock enough to speak. "Is that really what you think?" Sirius asked hoarsely. "That I offered to kiss you because I felt _sorry_ for you? You think…you think we're not friends any longer because, what, you think I'm uncomfortable around you now?"

Remus bit his lip and ducked his head, nodding. He had done this; he had destroyed them.

"Damn it, Moony," Sirius sighed, frowning at him sadly. He stared at Remus for several moments before nodding to himself and striding forward to lock his arms around Remus in a firm embrace. "I'm sorry," he murmured, tightening his hold. "I'm so sorry."

Remus felt frozen in shock. Why was Sirius hugging him? Why was Sirius apologizing? Why was he encouraging Remus's heart to foolishly begin filling with hope? What was the catch? The hug continued; Sirius refused to let go of him, until, finally, Remus felt his limbs thaw and he tentatively reached up to entwine his own arms around the other boy. "It's okay," he said in a hesitant voice.

The two words caused Sirius to pull away, and Remus cursed himself for saying the wrong thing. "It's not, though," Sirius said quietly, fixing him with a somber stare. "How I've been treating you is not okay. And you have every right to be angry with me."

All Remus felt at the moment was confused. Angry? With Sirius? Why? How? _Huh_?

"I've been avoiding you," Sirius explained, still speaking in the same soft voice. "I haven't been fair to you and I haven't been a good friend. And I'm _sorry_." His grey eyes were wide and pleading, begging Remus to believe the sincerity in every spoken word.

"It's okay," Remus repeated, confusion still swirling through him. "I'm sorry as well, so, you know, everything's okay."

A fierce head shake was the swift response. "I'm not saying this right," Sirius muttered to himself. "I'm not sure if…Moony, look," And with this, he pinned Remus into place with a stern look. "After we kissed, I started avoiding you. And I know you think it's because the sheer gayness of it all overwhelmed me to a point where I no longer felt comfortable in your presence, but you're _wrong_. For someone who's so bloody smart, you can be extraordinarily thick-headed at times."

Remus stayed silent, hoping that Sirius would continue speaking and the new words would actually make sense. If Sirius hadn't been avoiding him out of discomfort, then why had he refused to be around Remus?

"Why?" The single word slipped from Remus's mouth in a broken whisper that made him instantly turn red. Oh god, could he be any more obvious or pathetic?

"Why was I really avoiding you?" Sirius asked quietly, and Remus nodded. "Because…" Sirius took a deep breath, seeming to steel himself, "Because you bloody well terrify me, Moony."

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered in a choked voice, stomach suddenly full of ice. He _terrified_ him? Oh god, even _Sirius_ thought him a monster. It should not have surprised him as much as it did; it should be something Remus was used to. After all, everybody else in his life was afraid of him: his mother and father, the swarms of Healers he had been taken to, half the professors, even someone like Snape who did not even know the full truth.

And now Sirius.

"No, Remus!" Sirius tugged him back into an embrace. "That's not what I meant." The hug was broken as he pulled back again to look Remus in the eye. "You scare me because…" He took another deep breath. "That kiss was the best kiss of my life. And ever since it happened I can't stop thinking about it and I can't stop thinking about _you_ , and how badly I just want to grab you and kiss you again, and would it be all right if I did, Moony?" His words softened as they drew to a close. Remus blinked at him in shock. Sirius lifted one hand to drag his thumb lightly across Remus's bottom lip. "Kiss you, I mean," he continued in a low voice. "Merlin, you have no idea how badly I want to." He bent his head lower, until their mouths were only centimeters apart. "Please?"

Unable to find any words to respond with, Remus could only nod his head. As he watched a smile spread across Sirius's face, Remus held his breath. The mouth he had dreamt of millions of times was hovering so close to his own, and he felt lightheaded. Was this really happening? Warm lips pressed against his own with hesitation, almost as though Sirius wasn't completely sure that Remus was okay with it. How could he not know how much Remus had longed for it, or how many years he had spent dreaming about it?

His heart pounded fiercely as he raised a shaky hand to Sirius's cheek before returning the press of lips with just as much uncertainty. But after several awkward seconds, the hesitation melted away to be replaced with a growing intensity as Sirius tilted his head to deepen the kiss, parting his lips with a breathy groan. The kisses turned faster and nearly desperate; it was so different from their first kiss, the one that felt like it had happened years ago. Scarred hands were raised to hold Sirius's head in place, part of Remus certain that at any moment, Sirius was going to disappear into thin air and Remus would finally awaken from this wonderful, impossible dream he was having.

As though Sirius had heard the thought and wanted to prove how real he actually was, he reached down to grip Remus's waist before sliding strong arms around his back and pulling him more fully into the warmth of Sirius's firm chest. Unable to resist touching and hoping that the other boy would not notice the tremor in his hands, Remus trailed one hand down Sirius's throat to his chest, placing it directly over his beating heart and feeling it race and pound frantically beneath his fingers. Was that because of him? Was he the reason Sirius's heart was hammering like that? Was it possible that Sirius wanted this nearly as much as he did?

The arms that were wrapped around his waist tightened as they continued to kiss and Remus couldn't help the soft moan that slipped from deep within his throat. Sirius suddenly tore his mouth away to place his lips close to Remus's ear. "That was fucking hot," he murmured, sending a shiver racing through Remus. "God, you're fucking hot, Remus. Has anyone ever told you how hot you are?"

"Erm, no," Remus said in an embarrassed voice, blushing fiercely. Did Sirius really think he was attractive?

"Well, you are," Sirius kissed the shell of his ear, sending a delicious shiver racing through him. "Consider this my apology."

"Apology?" Apology for what? Were the kisses being shared between them meant only as an apology?

"Yes," Sirius breathed, pressing another kiss to his earlobe before biting down gently; Remus fought back another shiver as his mind whirled. Without warning, Sirius pulled away and Remus felt panic flare up within him for a moment, but the next second their foreheads were pressed together and Remus was forcing himself to calm.

"I mean it, I really am sorry, Moony," Sirius repeated quietly, the fingers of one hand lifting to play with several bronze curls, twisting them gently around his fingers. "I never meant to make you think I no longer wanted you in my life, or that you made me feel uncomfortable. I just…I didn't know what to do," he confessed in a lost voice, squeezing his eyes shut. Remus felt a sympathetic burning in his chest in response. "I still don't think I know what to do. It just—it took me by surprise, more than anything. I'm not supposed to feel this way about you," he said, sounding distressed and gazing directly at Remus with tortured eyes.

Not wanting to cause him any more affliction, Remus made to move away but Sirius refused to allow him to shift so much as a centimeter. "I can't stop thinking about you." The words were admitted in a low voice and they caused Remus to instantly halt his struggles in order to listen more carefully. "I can't seem to stop, no matter how hard I try. And I tried so hard, Moony, but I can't make it go away. And I'm not sure what it means, but I'm not even sure that I care anymore. So, I'm giving in." A hand raised to brush the hair from Remus's forehead, but the words were turning his insides to ice. His limbs had somehow been transfigured into wood and he wasn't sure what to do. "I'm not supposed to feel this way about you, but I do. I'm not supposed to think about you like this or want you, but god, even when I try not to, I do. I just—I want to know what it's like, Moony, I _need_ to know."

The lips that Remus had tasted and yearned for and pined after and dreamt about were nearing his own once again, but he surprised the both of them by placing a firm palm to Sirius's chest to stop him. Denying himself the feel of that mouth against his own was nearly physically painful, but everything Sirius had been saying was filling him with a choking sort of horror.

"You…aren't supposed to…but you do, and so…" he struggled to make sense of the sudden anger gripping him tightly in a savage, furious grasp. "You—you _tried_ not to feel anything for me but failed, and so decided to just give in to whatever it is? You—" He wrenched himself from Sirius's arms and felt a fierce flare of anguish at the separation. "So, what you're saying is that I _should_ disgust you, but for some unexplainable reason you've yet to figure out, you, what, _want_ me?" He scoffed, feeling nearly hysterical. It was physical, nothing more, just like it had been with every single person Sirius had ever been with before. Sirius was simply curious and Remus was obviously willing and pathetic. "Just like you wanted all the others? Finally made your way through the entire female population of Hogwarts and now it's onto the blokes?"

Sirius looked stricken and began shaking his head, but Remus wasn't finished.

"You made me think—And just now—" Remus tripped over his words and paused to laugh hollowly. "You don't even realize what it is you do to people, do you? You can't—Christ, Sirius, you can't just play around with people's emotions like that! You can't just take what you want from everyone around you! I'm not a convenience and I am not some experiment!"

"Remus, no," Sirius whispered, stepping toward him with an outstretched hand. Backing out of his reach, Remus glared. "I'm not saying this right," Sirius said in a quiet voice, folding in on himself slightly. "I wanted to plan out everything I was going to say ahead of time because I wanted to say it perfectly, but I'm messing it all up and I didn't mean it like that, like I hate that I'm attracted to you or anything, I swear!"

"How did you mean it, then?" Remus refused to look at him, certain that the instant he spotted the hurt on the other boy's face, he would give in. "Is it different than how you meant it with Rose Palmer? Were you not supposed to like her, either? Was this the infamous Sirius Black Speech? The one that most of the girls in school have already heard?" He was embarrassed to hear emotion thickening his voice, clinging to the walls of his throat and prickling his eyes. "Or was I special enough to get my very own version?"

The questions were met with silence. Remus counted his own hammering heartbeats as he waited for a response, hoping more than anything that he would hear some sort of denial, that Sirius would tell him he was wrong, of course he was wrong.

The silence stretched.

Finally, after long minutes, he risked a glance up. Sirius stood less than a foot away, shoulders hunched defensively as he chewed his lip. "But, that's…different…" he finally said in a helpless voice, gesturing around himself in explanation.

Remus laughed again, a low, unpleasant sound. "Is it? How?"

"Because…" Sirius seemed to struggle with words for a moment. "It just—it is! I already told you, I can't explain it!"

"This is just what you do," Remus said sadly, defeat weighing down his every word. "This is just another impulse, Sirius. You've never kissed a boy before, and I'm sure it's all very new and dramatic and exciting for you. But,"—god, the words hurt to say—"please, find someone else to 'see what it's like with'. Don't do this to me." The words were whispered in the most embarrassingly heartbroken voice, and Remus allowed himself a brief cringe before vanishing from the room.

Hurrying away before any of the threatening tears could spill over and fall, he turned and all but ran, desperate to be back within the safety of his own bed, away from beautiful and confusing boys who only caused grief and heartache wherever they went. Remus could now be added to the growing list of Hogwarts students who had been hurt by Sirius Black.

He was stupid to think he might have ever been special in the first place.

oOo

The castle was cold. It was icy and frozen and matching everything that Sirius felt inside. His insides felt numb and shriveled, frigid and detached from the rest of his body. For the past two days, it felt as if he had been stupefied, rendered completely immobile, and yet somehow still managing to wander around in an unfeeling, incapacitated state.

He felt broken. He felt like the worst person in the world. Remus hated him and he deserved it. They would never be friends again; they would never be able to fix what had been broken.

Autumnal afternoon sunlight spilled drearily through the windows, spreading along the floor of the corridors in dusky orange puddles. The sun would be gone soon, vanishing behind the horizon, darkness destined to replace light. It was the full moon that night, and Sirius should not have still been in the castle. He should be down in the Shrieking Shack with Remus right now, keeping him company and joking around to distract him from what was about to happen. Sirius knew that the time before the other boy changed was even harder on him than the actual change itself was. He had always noticed the way Remus would hold himself so tightly, so desperately, the fear growing more and more in his eyes as the seconds ticked toward the darkness brought on by the rising moon.

Remus should not be there alone.

Although, Sirius was not actually sure if he was there alone. Were Peter and James down there with him? The thought made Sirius furious. They should not be there without him! Damn it, Remus needed him there! Out of all of them, Padfoot was the one who seemed able to keep the wolf the calmest, the only one who really had a chance at keeping the wolf in check. He needed to be there with Remus, be there _for_ Remus. Fuck, he just needed Remus.

The last time they had spoken, everything had gone so horribly wrong. Sirius had never imagined that Remus would take his words the way he had or accuse him of such awful things. Sirius would never just use Remus the way Remus seemed to think him capable of. Yes, he had been with other people in the past, and yes, maybe he had sort of slightly used them—if one wanted to use such an awful word to describe it—but he had never actually wanted to hurt anybody. He had just never felt anything for them. Not a single one of those girls had ever stirred anything in Sirius's heart.

Not until Remus.

And now Sirius was confused and angry and hurt and missing Remus, and he didn't know what to do about it. He didn't know how to get his best friend back. And he didn't just want Remus back as his best friend; he wanted him back as so much more.

A Stinging Hex suddenly hit Sirius out of nowhere, making him cry out in shocked pain as he glanced wildly around, looking for whoever had cast it. Another Stinging Hex hit him in the leg, making him stagger down to one knee.

"Who the fuck is there?" he shouted angrily, leg still burning sharply.

This time he was knocked backward by the force of an unknown spell, slamming into him and sending him sprawling, as though a large fist had smashed into his entire body.

"Expelliarmus!" a familiar nasally voice shouted, and Sirius felt dread settle in his chest as his wand was ripped from his hand, soaring several yards away. He watched helplessly as it flew straight into Snape's oily palm. "You look so much less confident than usual, Black," the Slytherin sneered, advancing menacingly, "what's the matter?"

"What the hell do you want, Snivellus?" Sirius growled, pushing himself to his feet. His limbs were still stinging and body bruised from the fall, but he was damned if he was going to have Snape towering over him. As though he could ever be cowed by someone as greasy and pathetic as Severus Snape.

Snape glared. "You have no fucking idea how much I loathe you, Black. How much I loathe every single one of you and your disgusting friends. And speaking of friends," he titled his head mockingly, "where's Lupin at?"

The question made Sirius's heart pound. "What do you mean? What the hell do you want with Remus?" The way Snape had asked the question, the tone he had used, it was as though he already knew the answer. But he couldn't possibly know where Remus was. Could he?

Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I want to finish the conversation we were having the other night, the one that you so rudely interrupted."

Sirius took a step forward, fists clenched. "You mean when I stopped you hexing him? Is that supposed to be some sort of threat toward him? I have no intention of letting you finish whatever the fuck you had started."

"That freak deserved it!" Snape snapped, eyes flashing. Sirius could see the other boy's iron grip he had around his wand, still pointed straight at Sirius. "He stays away from Lily, or else! He shouldn't even be at this school and you know it! I won't have Lily put in danger just because she has a soft spot for outcast freaks!"

"You mean like you?" Sirius asked sarcastically, heart hammering. What was Snape saying? Was he saying that he knew what Remus was? "I mean, you know, _before_ you ruined your friendship by calling her a Mudblood in front of about a hundred people."

"Shut the fuck up, Black!" Snape shouted, face sharpening with rage. Another Stinging Hex slashed across Sirius's arm, and he could feel a large welt forming from the force of it. He bit his lip to keep quiet, determined not to give Snape any satisfaction by crying out in pain.

"You don't know anything about Remus!" Sirius shot back, standing his ground and refusing to be intimidated.

The words made Snape's face twist grotesquely, and it took Sirius a moment to realize that Snivellus was _smiling_. The corners of his lips had turned up in a toothy, awful, truly disturbing smile, one that made Sirius's heart stumble to a stop before dropping to the bottom of his stomach. "But I do, Black," he said softly, folding his arms as he surveyed Sirius. "I know what that disgusting freak really is. Did the four of you really think he could keep it a secret forever? Why do you think I don't want Lily around him? _I know what he is, Black!_ And if he doesn't stay away from Lily, I'm going to tell everybody! Every single person in this school! And do you know what they'll do to him then?"

Sirius felt numb. He felt hollow and wooden. No…no, Snape couldn't know. Snape couldn't know about Remus! Oh god, what if he told everyone? No, Sirius wouldn't allow Snape to tell anyone!

His eyes narrowed as he considered the situation.

"Now tell me where he is, Black," Snape growled threateningly.

Sirius almost barked out a laugh but managed to keep quiet. "You really want to know?" he spat, copying Snape's posture and folding his arms. "Fine then, I'll tell you. He's underneath the Whomping Willow."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Snape asked coldly, confusion coloring the glare still shaping his face.

"I mean exactly what I said. He's underneath the Whomping Willow."

"Tell me the truth, Black!" Snape's voice rang out along the corridor, echoing across the razor silence stretched around the two of them.

"I am!" Sirius snapped. "There's a certain root at the base of the tree, it's big and gnarled and looks different from the rest, there's no way you could overlook it. Wait until sundown and press the root and the entire tree will freeze. The root will open up to a tunnel. If you really want to find him," he nearly barked another vicious laugh, "follow it. That's where he is."

Snape hesitated, appearing both angry and thoughtful. "And I'm supposed to believe that you're telling the truth?"

"Believe whatever the fuck you want!" Sirius snarled, praying that Snape really would believe him and follow the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. If he wanted to find Remus so badly, who was Sirius to try and stop him? Snape would find Remus, all right. Remus would be the last thing he ever found. "But you're the one that wanted to find him, and I'm telling you that that's where he is!"

 _Let's see you still tell the whole school about Remus afterwards_ , Sirius thought viciously.

A razor-sharp grin spread across Snape's face. "All right, Black," he murmured quietly. "I think I'll do that, then. Thank you for the information. _Petrificus Totalus!_ "

Sirius felt his face freeze in shock as his limbs locked tightly together, and he heard himself clatter to the floor, feeling a lump beginning to form where the back of his head smacked the stone floor with a hard thump, pain blossoming out along every inch of him. Snape wandered over slowly, gazing down at him with a smirk. "Not so fun on this side of things now, is it? Oh dear," he tutted. "Whatever shall we do with you now?"

Flicking his wand, Sirius felt himself suddenly lifted off the floor, hovering horizontally at nearly waist-height. "Shall I pay you back, then, for the other night?" And still smirking, Snape levitated him into the nearest broom cupboard, dropping him carelessly on the dusty floor and slamming the door shut behind him, leaving him frozen and alone in total darkness.

 _Fuck_ , Sirius thought to himself, feeling panic blooming within him but unable to move so much as a finger. _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ How had this happened? Not once had Snape ever managed to get the jump on him like this.

How in the world was Sirius supposed to get out of this one?

* * *

Sirius had only been panicking for several minutes—or maybe it was a hundred years, it could have been either—before the door was suddenly yanked open and light was spilling across him. Someone was standing on the threshold, looking down at him, and Sirius felt his heart rate increase as he wondered who it was. From the squashed, uncomfortable angle he was currently in, he couldn't see the doorway very well but nearly wept with relief as he recognized James' voice.

"Sirius!" he cried, sounding shocked. "What the fuck happened?"

Sirius couldn't even glare at the stupid question. The next moment, however, the spell had been lifted and he was able to roll his eyes. "You ask me that before you lift the spell? Really?"

"Shut up," James countered, reaching down to help Sirius to his feet. "Seriously though, what happened? I was coming to find you cos you had never met up with us after dinner to head down to the Shack, and then I saw you and Snivellus together on the Map, so I hurried here to see if everything was okay but the corridor was empty. And then I checked the Map again and you were in a bloody cupboard! What happened?"

"Oh fuck, Snape!" Sirius felt his palms break out in a sweat as he remembered the greasy git. "James, he knows! He knows about Remus! He told me that unless Remus stays away from Lily forever, he'll tell the whole school!"

"Wait, he what?" James asked in a panicked voice. "He knows? Oh fuck, oh shit, we have to do something! We have to go to Dumbledore, he can't be allowed to tell everyone!"

"No, it's okay," Sirius said, relaxing as a tight grin lifted the corners of his mouth. "He won't get the chance to tell anybody."

James's nose crinkled in confusion. "What does that mean?"

Sirius smirked. "He won't get the chance because the stupid git is on his way to the Shack right now. He wanted to meet Remus so badly, so I told him how. Let's see him call Remus a freak to his face when that face is full of fangs."

"Wait, what?" James whispered in a horrified voice. "Sirius, tell me you're joking. Tell me you did not send him to the Shack."

Sirius shrugged unapologetically. "He wanted to know where Remus was. All I did was tell him."

"Oh my god." James stared at Sirius as though he had never seen him before. "Fuck, Sirius, are you _mental_? What the fuck is the matter with you?! You seriously want him to _die_?"

"Please, you hate him even more than I do," Sirius scoffed, feeling something deep in his stomach twist.

"But I won't be responsible for his death!" James snapped, shoving at Sirius's chest before turning and running toward the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Sirius shouted, beginning to follow.

"I'm going to stop him!" And with that, James increased his pace, sprinting down the stairs and out of sight, leaving Sirius alone once more, attempting to ignore the wriggling mass of shame and regret squirming through him. He had just wanted Snape out of the way, that was all; he had just wanted Snape to no longer be a threat to Remus.

But Sirius had not actually thought the consequences of his words all the way through. The image of Snape finding the Shack, opening the door to find a terrifying and bloodthirsty werewolf on the other side, growling and howling and tearing at his own body with his frighteningly-large claws, desperate for something to sink his razor-sharp teeth into…the thought made Sirius feel sick. Remus would tear Snape apart without hesitation.

 _Oh god,_ Sirius thought, feeling suddenly faint, _what have I done_?

* * *

A/N: Oh no! So much drama and so many confrontations, even spontaneous attempted murder! But I'm sure that we all already know that Snape does not actually die at the fangs of a teenage werewolf. Good thing James is around, huh? We shall see what the results of their actions are in the next chapter! So long for now, lovelies!


	6. VI

A/N: Hooray for more angst! There can never be enough!

* * *

 **TO RIVAL THE SUN**

 **VI**

Everything hurt.

As Remus slowly floated into awareness, climbing his way from the murky depths of unconsciousness still smothering him, the first thing he was aware of was the throbbing in his limbs, every inch of his body searing with pain. His lips were cracked and dry, his head was pounding, and lord, even his _skin_ hurt.

Cracking open both eyes, he immediately winced at the unnecessary amount of light flooding the room, stabbing into his eyes like a sharp steel blade, a knife of illumination glinting far too brightly and piercing his retinas with razor-sharp accuracy, making the hammering in his head increase tenfold. Air whistled painfully through his parched throat and into arid lungs, feeling as though he had swallowed razor blades that had somehow become lodged throughout his entire chest. His fingers ached, the joints feeling swollen and bruised, and he felt something tight and stiff wrapped around his torso.

Christ, what the fuck had happened to him?

"Ah, you're awake," a familiar voice said, feet tapping softly against stone as the owner of the voice bustled over. Remus heard the clinking of glass and a heavy thud as something was set down on a wooden table. Head still feeling as though it had been trampled by a troll, he tried to open his eyes once more, only to groan in pain and immediately shut them.

Why the hell were the lights so damn bright?

"It's all right, Mr Lupin," Madam Pomfrey soothed, patting him carefully on the arm. "You're in the Hospital Wing, the full moon is over, and I have your usual potions here. I've already applied the healing salves and bandaged you up. I know that you must be in terrible pain, so open your mouth, please, and I will assist you in drinking the potions."

Nodding weakly, Remus opened his dry, dusty mouth and allowed the mediwitch to pour several potions down his raw throat, feeling as though he was swallowing glass. After several minutes, however, of her unwrapping his bandages and reapplying salves before bandaging him up afresh, he felt the pain beginning to fade from his aching limbs, the fierce hammering in his head gradually fading to silence.

Feeling brave enough to risk attempting to open his eyes once more, he lifted his lids carefully, relieved when the sharp spike of pain did not return. "How did I get here?" he asked in a raspy voice, throat still feeling as though he had swallowed a desert cactus.

At the question, she frowned, pouring out a glass of water from the jug on the bedside table and helping him sip at it before responding. "Dumbledore brought you in this morning," she said quietly, not meeting his eyes. "As soon as the sun had risen."

"Dumbledore?" Remus could feel his face reflect the shock echoing through him. Dumbledore had brought him? He hadn't done that since third year; for a time, it had been Madam Pomfrey coming to collect him herself, healing him up enough to sneak him back up to the castle before any of the students awoke, or sometimes McGonagall had been the one to fetch him, eyes soft and pitying as she helped him up off the floor, in a way that Remus had never seen her look during classes.

But mostly, it was the Marauders themselves who helped Remus to the castle, smuggling him up to the Hospital Wing even though Sirius would have already performed every healing charm he knew on Remus. And while all of them realized that Dumbledore and the others must have known who it was collecting Remus after every full moon, none of the adults had ever said a word to them about it.

Why had it been Dumbledore this time and not the Marauders? Had the others not been there last night? Remus wouldn't blame them if they hadn't been. He had been the one to tear himself from Sirius, after all, and he wouldn't blame any of them if Sirius had refused to show up and the others had simply followed suit.

"He's on his way here to speak to you," Madam Pomfrey said quietly, startling Remus from his confused train of thought.

"What?" Sirius was on his way there to speak to him?

"Dumbledore," she explained, fussing with his blankets and smoothing out the crinkles.

"Why?" Remus wondered in bewilderment. Why would Dumbledore be on his way to speak to him?

"He'll let you know when he arrives," she said kindly, patting his hand once more. "Just remember, Mr. Lupin, that you have never done anything wrong; you have never been the one at fault." And with that last cryptic remark, she vanished the empty potions bottles and discarded bandages with a wave of her wand before turning and striding back to her office, leaving Remus alone in the empty Hospital Wing.

Before he had time to ponder or panic over what those words meant, he heard a lock slide open, the grinding metal seeming to echo through the high-ceilinged room. The door creaked open loudly and Remus immediately sat up in bed as best he could as he recognized the crooked nose and silvery beard that could only belong to Dumbledore enter the room.

As the Headmaster neared, sweeping robes a dusky blue, Remus felt his heart begin to race nervously, hammering within his chest until he was feeling nearly light-headed. Dumbledore never came to see him like this. What had happened?

Oh, god. Remus felt his clammy palms break out in a sweat. Had he gotten out of the Shack last night? Had he hurt someone? Attacked another student? Was Dumbledore coming to tell him that the Aurors had been called and that Remus was to be immediately removed from Hogwarts, for the safety of the entire castle?

 _Oh, please, Merlin, no,_ he thought desperately, clenching the scratchy hospital blanket tightly in both hands.

"Good morning, Mr Lupin," Dumbledore greeted genially, nodding his head with a small smile, but Remus could see something sad and hooded lurking in his twinkling blue gaze.

"Professor," he mumbled nervously, hands still fisted nervously in his lap.

With a wave of the man's wand, a chair appeared from nowhere next to Remus's bed and he watched as Dumbledore took a seat, peering at Remus speculatively over his familiar half-moon glasses.

After long moments, he finally opened his mouth. "Now, I'm sure you are wondering why I've come to see you."

Remus nodded, staring down at his lap as he waited for the inevitable bad news. What had he done? Who had he hurt? How would he tell his parents that all their greatest fears had finally come to pass, just as they had always known would one day happen?

Remus should never have come to Hogwarts in the first place; he should never have been so selfish. His desire to go to school like a normal child and be around others was not worth risking the lives of every single person in the castle. He was not a normal child and he never had been. He was cursed and he was dangerous and he had never deserved Dumbledore's misplaced faith.

"I'm afraid," the Headmaster sighed, sounding ancient and wearied, "that I have some rather difficult news to impart."

"Did I hurt someone?" Remus asked in a whisper, trying to continue drawing breath whilst feeling as though his insides had tied themselves into pained knots.

"No, Remus, you did not," Dumbledore said softly, and at that, Remus's head snapped up. "Other than yourself, I mean. You were rather, shall we say…restless, last night, and I'm afraid that you took it out on yourself. Your injuries were rather shocking when I found you."

"But," Remus frowned in confusion, "that's not exactly bad news, is it? I mean, it's not like that's new, or anything. I always attack myself."

"Yes," Dumbledore sighed again. "But I'm afraid that something did indeed occur last night, and as a result, you grew even more aggressive than usual in the amount of self-inflicted injury."

"Did I…did I get out or something?" Remus's chest hurt with how hard his heart was racing.

"No," Dumbledore gave him a complicated look, one that appeared to be full of at least a dozen different emotions. "I'm afraid that someone got in."

"Someone…" The words snatched the air straight from Remus's lungs, making him feel as though he had been suddenly submerged beneath thick sand, unable to draw breath, panicking from the sudden dizzying lack of oxygen, "someone got in?"

"It is my misfortune to have to inform you that last night, shortly after sundown, Severus Snape managed to enter the Shrieking Shack, where he found you already transformed."

"…Snape…?" Remus managed to choke out, still fighting desperately to breathe beneath the mountain of sand still pouring down his horrified throat. "Oh, god. What does—what does that mean? Snape got in? Did I—please tell me that I didn't! Oh, god! Oh my god!"

"Remus!" Dumbledore leaned forward, face somber as he effectively caught Remus's gaze, holding him captive in his serious blue stare. "You did not hurt him. Severus is alive and whole and has in no way been injured."

The words made Remus nearly collapse with relief, slumping down in the narrow hospital bed. "Thank god," he whispered, burying his face in two shaking hands. "Oh, thank god."

"James Potter was able to get to Severus in time to pull him out before he was injured, at great personal risk to himself." The statement made Remus's head snap back up to eye Dumbledore in shock. "However," he continued, "it was not before Snape managed to catch sight of you."

The heavy sand was back, pressing down on Remus from all sides, smothering him beneath its thick, dense arms, choking him until he was certain he was only a second away from asphyxiation. "He…he knows? But—but that means—" Oh, god, if Snape knew, then that meant that the whole school already knew! That meant that, even if he had not actually attacked anyone, he would still not be allowed to remain at Hogwarts. Not a single parent would want their child residing anywhere near a known werewolf; they would not want their child in the same classes or sleeping anywhere near anything as dangerous as Remus—he was a monster and he had always known it would only be a matter of time before the world found out and turned on him. He would have to leave. He would have to leave his friends; he would have to leave his home; he would have to leave everything in the entire world that he loved.

"No, dear boy," Dumbledore said softly, voice much kinder than Remus knew he deserved. He did not deserve to be treated with compassion or sympathy; he deserved to be treated like the monster he was. He was a disgusting animal, one who clearly deserved everything that fate had given him. "I can see what you are thinking and I am here to assure you that you do not have to go anywhere. Hogwarts is your home and you will always be welcome inside this castle. You are a wizard, Remus, and an exceptionally fine one at that, if you will take the word of someone as old and doddering as myself." The ridiculous statement nearly made Remus snort, despite the panic he still felt. Doddering was hardly the word he would use to describe Dumbledore. "You are not a monster, despite what the world has led you to believe of yourself. You are nothing more or less than an innocent victim of misfortune, with just as much right to exist in this world as every other individual."

Raising his eyes in surprise, Remus stared at Dumbledore in shock. He had never had anybody say those words to him before, never had anybody ever tell him in such blunt terms that he was entitled to anything, let alone the chance to live a normal life. Did Dumbledore really not look down on him or think of him as less than human?

"You are a wizard," Dumbledore continued, voice still so painfully kind, "you are a young man. You are a son and a friend; you are a student. You are a Gryffindor and a prefect and you are important to so many, you are loved by so many. You are a part of this world. You are so much more than the incorrect label and misunderstood stigma that the world has tried to force on you and unknowingly tried to break you with. You are a person, Remus, you are human. You are not a monster. You are not evil, nor are you a killer. You are simply Remus Lupin."

To his embarrassment, Remus felt a lump form in his throat and he blinked furiously, attempting to keep the sudden tears from spilling over. He ducked his head as the first teardrops fell, slithering coldly down his cheeks to run salty between his lips. Shame swept through him as he scrubbed at his face, silently pleading with himself to get his ridiculous emotions under control.

"No need attempting to hide, my boy. Your emotions are what make you human," Dumbledore said, and Remus could hear a smile in his voice, "do not attempt to keep them so hidden. There's no shame in feeling. The definition of a true monster is one who feels nothing, not sadness or compassion or loneliness or love or empathy or despair or joy. You have already overcome hardships in your short life that most witches and wizards will never be faced with. So allow yourself to feel, Remus, because that is what makes us human. It is our feelings that guide us, our feelings that shape us. It is our feelings that define us, because it is our feelings that lead us to the actions we take. It is our feelings that tell us who we are, not the preconceptions of strangers. Do not ever allow the opinions of those whom you have never met dictate how you feel about yourself."

"I really…" Remus swallowed, trying not to feel embarrassed over the watery waver to his words, "I really didn't hurt Snape?"

"No, Mr Lupin, you did not hurt him," Dumbledore reassured kindly. "And Severus has already been sworn to secrecy; I give you my word that he will not tell a soul."

A feeling of relief so strong it was nearly painful swept through Remus and he ducked his head even further to try to hide the tears still streaming down his cheeks, despite the reassurance Dumbledore had given that he did not need to cover his emotions. He had been so sure that he had hurt somebody, killed someone, so sure that he would have to leave the home he had come to love so much.

The relief was somewhat punctured, however, as a sudden question sprang to mind. "But, Professor, how…how did Snape get into the Shack in the first place?"

"Ah," Dumbledore said quietly, and the single syllable instantly snapped Remus's full attention back onto him. "I'm afraid that I have more unfortunate news to impart. I'm sorry to have to tell you that it seems he was told exactly where the entrance was and how to get through the Whomping Willow's defenses by Sirius Black himself."

Remus stared at him in disbelief, heart dropping like a stone to sit heavy in his stomach. Sirius? Sirius had told Snape how to get into the Shrieking Shack? What was Dumbledore saying? No, he had to be wrong! A glacial feeling of dread was spreading through Remus's veins and he could nearly hear the sharp sound of ice splintering as his insides froze completely, winter descending on him in the span of a single heartbeat. What was Dumbledore _saying_?

"What…" he spoke through numb lips, the tears frozen on his cheeks in icy trails, "what do you mean? What does that mean? Sirius—Sirius _told_ him?"

"I'm afraid so," Dumbledore confirmed, appearing sadder than Remus could ever remember the man looking. "It seems that Severus led him to believe that he knew about your condition and would not hesitate to reveal it to the entire school. Sirius, unfortunately, believed his lie and gave him both your location and the information on how to reach you."

"No," Remus whispered, feeling horrified. "No. Why would he—why would he do that to Snape? Are you saying he actually tried to kill him? By making me the one to do it? Why would he do that to me? Are you saying he was trying to kill Snape and punish me at the same time? Just because—because—"

"I do not believe that he meant in any way to harm or hurt you," Dumbledore interrupted. "I do not believe that he knowingly attempted to kill another student. I have spoken with the both of them at length, and I believe that Sirius Black simply panicked and acted irrationally as a result of fear. Severus Snape may have been lying initially about knowing the truth of your condition, but Sirius was genuine in his belief that it was indeed the truth. There has always been bad blood between the four of you and Mr Snape, and I believe that that hatred went a long way in clouding his judgement. It is my belief—whether or not this is simply the hope of a foolish old man—that he did it to protect you, my boy, however dangerous and unwise of a decision it was. You, more than most others, are aware of just how impulsive a young man Sirius Black truly is."

Remus snorted bitterly. Oh, he knew how dangerously impulsive Sirius could be, all right. Remus was all too aware of how much others could be hurt as a result of those impulses.

"What's going to happen to him?" he asked quietly, feeling a thousand different emotions tearing through him in a deafening whirlwind of noise, all clamoring to be heard and yet none clear enough to name. How could Sirius not have realized the results of his actions?

"He will not be expelled," Dumbledore responded just as softly, and despite the confusion and anger Remus was still feeling, the answer made him sag with relief. "However, I also cannot allow such an incident to go unpunished, for either of the two boys involved. I'm afraid that you, Mr Potter, and Mr Pettigrew will have to go without his company for some time, as Mr Black will be otherwise occupied for the indeterminable future."

Nodding in understanding, Remus wiped the last trace of tears away with one palm. "Thank you," he whispered, "for not expelling him."

"My dear boy," Dumbledore smiled warmly, rising from his seat, "you continue to move me. As I said, it is that kindness you exhibit, at every opportunity without fail, that makes you so very human. I am glad that your friends have someone such as you in their lives. I feel as though we are all the better simply for knowing you."

And with that, he turned and swept away, leaving Remus staring after him in confusion and gratitude and terror and hurt, and for just the briefest of seconds, a warm, unfamiliar rush of pride.

oOo

Sirius had never felt more terrified. Never in his life could he remember feeling this dizzying rush of fear sweeping through him, paralyzing him, crippling him beneath its battering waves. He felt nearly broken with the amount of dread blanketing him beneath a cold, heavy quilt of fearful anxiety, suffocating him as it pushed him to the very edge of panic.

When would Remus be back from the Hospital Wing?

Spinning around, Sirius paced the length of the empty Common Room for what must have been the two-hundredth time, the room eerily silent in the early morning hour, every student still asleep. Sirius was glad it was a Saturday. Reaching the far wall, he spun and strode back along the same path he had been wearing into the floor all night, feeling restless and jittery and longing for Remus to show his face whilst feeling simultaneously terrified of speaking to the other boy.

Would Remus even say anything to him? Would he even look at Sirius? Or had his hatred of Sirius only been cemented by what had happened? For the thousandth time, Sirius wished desperately that he could go back in time and stop himself from sending Snape to the Shack.

When Dumbledore had informed him that Snape had been lying all along, that he had not actually known about Remus being a werewolf, Sirius had thought he would be sick. Like an idiot, he had fallen for Snape's stupid bluff, never once even pausing to consider that Snape might have been lying. Sirius had replayed the conversation over in his mind a million times, and it still made him nauseous to think of how easily he had caved in to the lie, stomach churning as he realized for the millionth time that Snape had never actually used the word 'werewolf' to describe Remus when talking about knowing Moony's secret.

Sirius had fallen for the oldest Slytherin trick in the fucking book.

How could he have been so stupid? How could he have believed anything that came out of that disgusting git's greasy mouth?

How could he have put Remus through that?

Palms sweating, he continued his frantic pacing around the quiet room, wondering if Remus was still speaking to Dumbledore. The Headmaster had informed Sirius last night that he himself would be the one to explain to Remus what had happened, the second that Remus woke up. Sirius had wanted so badly to argue, wanting desperately to be the first to explain to Remus how sorry he was and throw himself at Moony's mercy, but he had wisely kept his mouth shut, not wanting to do anything to change Dumbledore's mind about not expelling him for his stupid decision. Dumbledore had listened silently as Sirius explained everything that had happened as best he could, telling him about Snape's earlier confrontation with Remus before recounting his own regretful dispute with the Slytherin.

Afterwards, the man had said very little, sighing sadly and gazing at Sirius with a piercing blue stare that had made Sirius fidget uncomfortably, before informing the Gryffindor that he was not going to be expelled. A wave of relief so strong it was nearly palpable had swept through him at the words, almost sending him to his knees with dazed disbelief. When Sirius had been informed of the punishments he was due in place of expulsion, the Headmaster detailing a terrifying amount of detention that even Sirius had balked at, all he could do was duck his head and nod meekly, knowing this time, he truly did deserve it. Sirius had almost killed another student by nearly turning his best friend into the killer. He had never been more disgusted with himself. He had never despised himself more.

The soft whoosh of the Fat Lady's portrait swinging open suddenly sounded, startling Sirius and sending his heart rate shooting up to a million. Oh, god, he wasn't ready to face Remus!

Palms sweating, he turned to face the entrance, watching in silence as Remus quietly shuffled his way through the portrait hole, holding himself carefully, and Sirius wondered if he was still in any pain, feeling his heart clench at the thought. If only he could take the pain away from Remus, shoulder it himself and spare the other boy the smothering weight of his own impossible burden.

The second Remus spotted Sirius, he came to a dead stop, face paling as he froze. Neither of them made a sound; neither of them even drew so much as a breath for what felt to Sirius to be hours.

Finally, Sirius took a small step forward. "Remus—"

Eyes narrowed and face twisted with hurt, Remus ignored him completely, heading for the stairs to the dorm without so much as a second glance in his direction. The sight tore something inside Sirius and he leapt forward, catching Remus gently by the elbow.

"Remus!" he tried again, voice desperate. "Please! Please, listen to me!"

"How could you, Sirius?" Remus asked quietly, and Sirius was startled to hear tears in his voice. The sound and sight of the other boy's tears made his chest ache. "How could you?"

"Remus, I'm so sorry," Sirius whispered, moving to stand in front of the other boy. "I'm so fucking sorry, Christ, you have no idea how sorry I am!"

Remus laughed a hollow, broken laugh. "Do you have any idea how sorry I would have been if your plan had actually succeeded?"

The question effectively deflated Sirius and he finally let his hand drop from Remus's arm. "I—"

"You knew!" Remus said sharply, teary eyes narrowed in anger. "You knew, more than anybody else in this entire world, how scared I am of hurting someone! My greatest fear in this whole entire world was almost met last night, Sirius, because of _you_! You—" he paused to breathe heavily, the tears flowing freely, "You knew how I see myself, how terrified I am of becoming the monster I've tried so hard not to be, and you still...Why would you—were you trying to hurt me? Do you really hate me that much? You hate me enough to turn me into a murderer? Into a monster? I'm sorry that I have feelings for you, Sirius, I really am! And I'm sorry that our friendship has been ruined as a result, but for _this_ to be your form of revenge…!"

"No, Remus," Sirius whispered, horror freezing him in place. "No, that's not true!" Words struggled up his throat, lodging in his mouth as he tried to sort out which untrue accusation to respond to first. Was that really how Remus saw him? As nothing more than a spiteful, loathsome person? He really thought that Sirius had made the stupidest decision of his life out of the desire to hurt the curly-haired boy, his own best friend? "No, that's not what it was! That's not what I wanted, I just—"

"You don't know what the hell you want!" Remus shouted, shoving him away. "You never fucking have! You just take what you want from everyone around you and make stupid decisions based on your own selfish impulses! Consequences don't even exist to you! You never think about anybody but yourself, Sirius, and you never fucking have! You think you can just charm your way out of every situation that _you_ create! You don't get to just say sorry and expect everything to be all right again! I'm not some puppet you can use whenever you want to get rid of the people you don't like! Do you have any idea what would have happened if I had actually killed him? Do you _know_ what they do to werewolves who kill people? Especially if the person killed is a fucking _student_?!" Sirius could not respond, but Remus did not wait for him to try. "They execute them, Sirius! They put them down like a wild animal! I am not human in the eyes of the wizarding world! I'm a dangerous animal first! And last night you nearly proved the entire world right about me!"

"But—but I didn't—" Sirius had no idea what to say, no idea how to make any of this better. Remus was right. Remus was right about everything. They had all known the truth about Remus for so long, become so desensitized to the dangers, that he had truly forgotten how the rest of the world viewed werewolves. They had known Remus before they had known he was a werewolf and would have accepted him of anything because he was their friend. But Sirius could recall so clearly the way his parents had always talked about half-breeds and beasts, looking down on Centaurs and werewolves, merpeople and goblins, giants and elves, everything that was not pure-blooded and worthy, in their eyes.

But to Sirius, Remus had always just been Remus. Remus had never been dangerous to him because he was _Remus_ , the kindest, most selfless person Sirius had ever met. He had completely forgotten that the rest of the world would not see that gentle kindness, they would see him as a werewolf first and refuse to look any further. They would not even attempt to look past the dangerous label to see the beautiful person Remus really was, inside and out.

"Remus, I'm so sorry," Sirius whispered, feeling desperate enough to throw himself to the floor and grovel, if need be. "You're my best friend, you know that! I would never try and hurt you! That's not what this was! But Snape, he said he knew! He said he would tell everyone! And I just—"

"He was lying!" Remus snapped, eyes flashing. "And even if he wasn't, what the fuck made you think the solution was to _kill_ him?! You never even stopped to consider anything else, did you? You went with the easiest solution, which was to just have me take care of him myself! Was that your form of poetic justice? To stop his attempt at telling everyone how dangerous I am, you try to get rid of him in a way that would prove to everybody without words just how dangerous I really am! You are so—fuck, Sirius, I don't even have the fucking words!" He paused, closing his eyes as a heavy wave of pain washed over his face. "I never thought that you, out of everybody, would be the one to do something like this to me. You were the one, Sirius, out of everyone. The one person that I trusted more than absolutely everybody else. I trusted you with my life, with my secrets, with everything." His voice lowered until Sirius was having trouble hearing the pained whisper slipping free from the other boy's mouth. "I loved you, Sirius. More than anything else in this world. I still love you and I've never hated myself more for it, which I wouldn't have believed could even be possible."

The words slashed through Sirius like a knife, carving away at his chest, his stomach, his heart, until his insides were nothing but tattered shreds and torn regret. Remus loved him…? _I'm sorry that I have feelings for you_. Was Remus really saying that he… _oh, god._ It felt as though Sirius had been doused in ice water. Remus was saying…and Sirius had nearly…

"…Remus…"

"Just leave me alone," Remus muttered angrily, wiping his eyes and shoving past the brunet, clearly intent on getting to the stairs.

But Sirius could not just let him leave like that!

Darting forward, he snatched at Remus's wrist, fingers shaking with panic. "Remus, wait!" he begged desperately, holding tight. "Please, stop! Just listen to me, please! I love you too—!"

"Don't. You. Dare!" Remus snarled, spinning around to fix Sirius with a glare that made the brunet instantly shrink back. At that moment, Remus was almost unrecognizable in his fury, and for the first time in his life, Sirius felt real fear toward the other boy. "Don't you FUCKING dare, Black!"

The threatening tone along with the use of his surname made Sirius flinch back, dropping his hold on Remus's wrist. The moment he was free, Remus turned and fled, disappearing up the stairs and leaving Sirius alone once more in the empty Common Room, feeling as though he had been hollowed out with a dull blade. He sank to the floor in a cold, stunned daze, limbs stiff and uncooperative.

Remus had loved him. And Sirius had nearly destroyed him.

Remus still loved him. And Sirius did not deserve him.

For the very first time he could remember, Sirius allowed himself to cry, burying his face in his hands as tears broke free and sobs wrenched their way from his pained throat.

 _What have I done?_


End file.
